TRIGGER WARNING. Contains topic of sexual assault
**This story is long, and can be triggering to anyone with a past history of sexual assault. This is meant for my personal advice, not harsh judgements**
About 7 years ago, when I was 13, I had a traumatic event happen to me that I have never been able to come to terms with. Nowadays there’s a lot of controversy on certain sexual encounters. Was it rape? Was it just wrong? Am I being over dramatic?
My best friend had a brother who was 16. All of us were close friends, I spent the entire summer there. Her brother and his friends were protective of me and treated me kindly. I actually had a HUGE crush on her brother.
Some background about me- I was raised in a Christian household, I did not believe in sex before marriage, I was shy and quiet. I didn’t even have my first kiss until 6 months prior to this event and it was one of the awkwardest, weirdest experiences of my life.
Anyways, over the past couple of weeks he acted like he liked me too. He’d ask me out, and break up with my when I went home. Something that I didn’t find suspicious, I just blamed my insecurities as I had plenty.
We were all hanging out, and my friend was out of town. (It was normal for me to hang out with just the guys) we had planned to have a movie night just the 3 of us. His parents were home. Nothing seemed weird and I trusted these people. Last minute after I had been dropped off (I had a bad relationship at home and wasn’t very open with my mother) our third person had bailed. That left just me and her brother. No biggie to me! A movie night with my crush sounded cute.
We were watching rob in the basement where he again started talking about his feelings for me, and said he really wanted me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, and we cuddled on the couch. He teased me about being “preppy” as I was the only one in the group who didn’t smoke or really do anything bad. I was a goody two shoes type. His little brother slept in the basement so when it was his bedtime we had to move. He said we could just continue watching the movie in his room upstairs as he had a tv in there. So off we went.
It really didn’t take long for me to feel uncomfortable. He kept saying he wanted to make out, I kept saying no. I kept saying I wanted to wait until we had been dating for a while. He teasingly decided to lay on top of me and continue to ask. Told me how he was going away to work with his dad for a month and we couldn’t wait, blah blah blah. This lasted for AN HOUR. I eventually gave in. I didn’t want him to think I was lame even though I had never even made out with someone.
I’m not going to go into details of what happened after this event. I don’t even remember half of it. I remember laying there with my eyes close, fighting and saying no for the longest time. Then just laying there as things happened. Afterwards, I remember getting up to use the bathroom and saw blood. I went directly to his sisters room and went to sleep.
In the morning, my mom came and picked me up. He said bye to me with no mention of anything. I went home. I was talking to our mutual friend afterwards, and told him that I needed to talk to the brother (I was under the assumption we were still dating and trying to deal with everything) his friend basically laughed, said he didn’t wanna talk to me anyways that my feelings towards him were weird. That he was going to go see his girlfriend soon anyways.
After that I realized what happened. I was completely used. But I still couldn’t remember half of the events that took place in between, as if I blacked out. I had trusted someone enough to tell them what happened to me, that he raped me. The person I trusted told his sister and the word spread. Soon enough everyone called me names . And he denied that it happened. I later found out he just started telling people I wanted it. For the longest time I questioned myself if it actually happened because I couldn’t remember some of it. I thought I had dreamt it. But even now I still remember parts, and remember the clothing I was wearing, which I’ve never remembered about a dream before.
I basically want a second opinion: was this rape? Was this not rape and just considered inappropriate? Have any of you had an experience where you “blacked out” during it? Sorry for the long story. I’ve lived with this for a lot time now and would love to hear from someone who I don’t know what this really was.