I’m torn! What would you do?

Question

I’m divorced, I have two sons with my ex and my youngest is graduating kindergarten. 
My boys are with me 99.99999% of the time, only spending a day or so with their dad on the weekends... this past weekend he only took them for a few hours on Sunday. 
He’s an addict and an alcoholic, he goes from being sober to falling off the wagon quite frequently. Recently he’s been on a downward spiral, worse than ever! He lost his job, was kicked out of his girlfriend (his new baby momma)’s house several times (their relationship is a very toxic one, my kids aren’t allowed there due to the nature of their hostile relationship), he’s been drinking to the point where he had to have an ambulance called to be taken to the hospital, and he hasn’t paid his child support at all since losing his job.
Anyway, my son’s kindergarten graduation is tomorrow. My oldest son, my boyfriend, and I are, of course, all going to the ceremony. My boys love my boyfriend to pieces, we all live together and he acts more like a father to them than their actual dad. I haven’t told my ex about the graduation because I’m scared about his possible behavior. At one of my oldest son’s baseball game, just a few weeks ago, my ex got mad at my boyfriend for giving my youngest a piggy back ride and he caused a huge, embarrassing, emotional scene in front of everyone which included almost punching through the passenger side window of my car. My poor boys were so scared. I filed a police report but because I waited until we got home and the window didn’t shatter, they said there was nothing they could do.
Despite all of this I feel bad for my ex. He’s in a tough spot right now... I’ve been feeling guilty about not telling him about the graduation tomorrow. It’s something I’ll never be able to take back. I don’t know what to do, do I just not tell him and when he finds out explain to him that because of his history of hostility I chose to not invite him, or do I tell him about it but also let him know that I will not hesitate to call the police if he even looks at us the wrong way? 
I want to be able to enjoy this moment with my family without feeling on edge the whole time if he’s there, but I also don’t want to harbor any guilt about it for the rest of my life. He is the father of my sons and they do love their dad.
What would you do? Sorry for the novel!

Answer

I would invite him but definitely let him know that you will not be sitting together during the ceremony and will be prepared to call the police if he starts to get out of line.

Answer

I wouldnt invite him personally. The fact that he doesnt even know about the graduation says a lot. A parent that wants to be involved in their kids life would know about these things and would pay attention. If he gets mad dont feel bad. There is only so much that you can put on your plate.

Answer

I would not invite him if the chances are high hes likely to ruin it and tell him outright afterwards he can’t be trusted to behave respectively. It sounds very highly likely he won’t be respective hes done it so many times

Answer

*SIGH* these situations are never cut and dry, unfortunately. 
From what you’re saying, it sounds like you and your ex had a toxic relationship, and even now that it’s ended, the toxicity still manifests. 
I used to be in a toxic relationship where I felt bad for him too. I pitied him. It’s actually an emotionally manipulative tactic used by lots of abusers. Kind of like gas lighting.
But it’s not your responsibility to feel bad for the mistakes that he’s making. 
It’s just your responsibility to be a mother and protect your babies to the best of your ability. 
If it were me, I wouldn’t let him around those babies unless he’s clean. 
They don’t deserve to see him in that state.
See what he chooses, if he stays in a hole, he chose that for himself. If he chooses to sober up, he chose his children. And at the end of the day, that’s something he will have to answer for later down the road- not you.

Answer

You have to do what is best for your kids, if that means not having him there then that is how it has to be. Until/unless he can restrain from causing a havoc!xoxo

Answer

I would tell him about it, and just explain that you were reluctant to tell him because of how he acted recently, but you’ve got space in your heart for one last chance. If he goes and it’s all fine, great, onward and upward. If he causes a scene, then you’re done trying to help him be a stable part of your kids lives. 
That being said, have you tried to help him? I know it may be a bit awkward but you sound like you have an ok relationship- would you be willing to help him get over these addictions?

Answer

I wouldn’t invite him. Sometimes we have to wear the guilt or better yet burden for our children so they don’t have to be subjected to that hurt. Your ex is only caring about himself, he needs to be absent to truly understand he’s hurting his children. Short story - my grandmother is a alcoholic. It’s gotten worse over the years but, it’s to the point that my child suffers from anxiety when she’s around. My kids last birthday party was at my house, she was turning 9 years old. I invited the usual close family, friends and kids/families from church and school. I never noticed how my daughter reacted to her grandmother presence, like she was on her toes. Like one wrong word could set her off. Anyway, I’ve dealt with this my whole life, I know people handle things differently but I do feel bad that I didn’t notice earlier how unhappy being around this woman made my child. Me? Sure I’ll deal.. but when I finally realized how my child felt.. whoosh!! Anyway I’m rambling- back to the story. My grandmother apparently is racist when she’s lit up sooooo she tells my NINE YEAR OLD to punch a Hispanic girl in the face, mind you my husband is Hispanic and my children are 1/2 Hispanic.. Mexican to be specific. I didn’t hear any of this, my baby told me. She calls me away from HER OWN party into the house for me to make grandma leave. She was having a panic attack. Her heart was beating out of her chest. I will try my best to never let them be around toxic people. Even family.. toxic is toxic. I’m very glad that your sons have a good father figure in their lives!!! Good luck with whatever you decide!!

I’m torn! What would you do?

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