SOS, I need advice badly
I’m 18, and I just need some help. I’m confused. This is my first post and I’m awful at story telling so bear with me. Last night was my prom, we had an after party, mostly everyone was drinking or drunk or on drugs. I myself was drinking but not quite drunk. My best friend Ben is about 6’5 and over 200 pounds, I’m like 5’6 and just over 100 pounds, he was completely wasted and I was a bit concerned for his safety so I brought him to a quiet place to drink some water and have a snack. While I was helping out my old friend nick saw us and came over to see what was up. I haven’t talked to nick since last year, we have known each other since we were 12 and I’ve had a crush on him since grade 9 but I didn’t realize until last night. Nick said hey and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. We helped Ben get some food and water and he wandered off. Nick stayed with me and we had a talk about life. He’d had a couple beers at this point and i was still sober. We continued to talk but kept being interrupted, I had a few shots of rum and we decided to go get more drinks.
We went behind nicks tent and I had some vodka. Nick gave me a huge hug and we started dancing. He asked me to put on a slow song so I did and we slow danced. He kept telling me that if I ever needed anyone he would always be there and he would do anything for me. I kept laughing because I thought he was full of shit but he kept telling me he was telling the truth. I accidentally hit him with my head and He got a nosebleed so I helped him find some toilet paper and we waited until it was over. Afterwards i hugged him and apologized Profusely and he just told me not to worry and laughed. I looked up at him and he kissed me. We started making out and he was getting handsy which I didn’t mind, we were out in the middle of the party so we went to his tent to get some privacy.
We got to his tent but his friend was trying to get laid (lmao) so we left and tried mine. All of my friends came back to my tent after we got in so we decided to keep searching. After a few minutes I found a fence and we hopped it. We walked into a beautiful meadow and watched the stars for a bit and just talked. He started kissing me again and told me he didn’t know what was okay and I said anything. He said it was his first time and I said okay what have you done and he said he’d only kissed a couple other girls. I am not a virgin and he knew that so he asked me if I could help guide him or give instructions so I did. After a few minutes he asked if he could put it in and I said yes and we had sex. After we had sex we just laid on the grass and talked more. I cried because I just wanted him to remember it the next day and I wanted it to mean something. I didn’t want it to be a casual random one time thing and he told me he didn’t want to be just some guy I sometimes have sex with. He cried and we held each other for a while and reassured each other we’d talk in the morning.
It is now the next day and he picked me up and took me for coffee and we drove around for a couple hours. I asked if we could start hanging out and see if anything happened between us and he said he was kind of talking to someone else. His exact words were “it really has nothing to do with you we had a good time we just weren’t in the right state of mind, I’m just kind of seeing someone it’s just not a good time.”
Obviously I’m okay as long as he’s happy. I just don’t know what to do. I realized today that I have feelings for him and I have for 4 years. I don’t know what to do about it.
I guess my questions for you guys are
1. Do you think he meant and was genuine about what he was saying to me or was it the alcohol?
2. What the fuck do I do like should I get over it or wait around or what?
3. Do I even have feelings for him or is it just because we had sex?
I’m open to anything I just really need help. Thank you to anyone who responds I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.