Hey guys! So, it’s been a year since I lost my grandma. Everything since last year has been a little bit harder without her. My 18th birthday, getting accepted to college, Christmas, Mother’s Day, giving my Salutatorian speech on my graduation day, and pretty much everything else in between. I’ve been trying to do my best to distract myself from the fact today, but now that I’m home and alone with my thoughts, its really starting to hit me. She was furious when she found out my mom was pregnant with me, even though my grandpa was over the moon, but the more she thought about it (especially after she found out she was getting a granddaughter) the more she started to love the idea. After I was born, she made sure I had everything I needed. Clothes. A roof over my head. School supplies. She made sure my parents could pay the bills and keep food in the house (we used to live paycheck to paycheck but it’s gotten somewhat better in recent years,) and she made sure that God was a part of my life. Although I’ve fallen away from being deep into religion, I still owe it to her that I can put everything in God’s hands and know that it’ll work out how it’s meant to be. I’m the woman I am to today because of her. She was my best friend next to my dad and my brothers (her step grandsons). She was constantly bragging about me to everyone she knew, and was always so so proud of me. I work every day to make sure I’m becoming someone she would continue to be proud of, but it’s hard knowing that she won’t be there to see me graduate from high school, walk down the isle, and hold her future great grandchildren.

Here’s a picture of her from the 40s, her “glamour shot,” as my aunt calls it. She was so so beautiful.

To go into a little more detail - in April of last year, my grandma became very very sick. She was in and out of three local hospitals for weeks. They finally figured out that she had a mass on one of her kidneys, and masses in her stomach as well as an enlarged heart and fluid in her lungs. She made the decision at 95 years old (up until the point of becoming very sick she was still regularly driving to the mall, and attended church every Sunday and sang in the church choir) to opt out of surgery that could’ve bought her an extra 9-12 months. She signed a DNR (do not resuscitate - for all of you who don’t speak medical lol) and was put in a nursing home to live out the rest of her days. The first time I visited her, she was drinking coffee (although whatever she ate and drank went straight to a drain tube in her stomach) and reading a book, she was in good spirits and wasn’t tired, she was happily accepting as many visitors as the nursing home would allow (practically her whole church). She gave me a ring that her friend had given her many many years ago. Over the next few visits, she was awake less and less, barely talked, wasn’t coherent, and didn’t look like the grandma I knew and loved. She fought the good fight and went to be with my grandfather and their God around 9:30pm a year ago today.

She taught me many things, and is the reason I love to sing and read crime novels. She was/is most definitely one of my heroes.

*sorry for the long post, but none of my friends will really listen to me talk about her, so I thought I would tell you guys*

Small update?: We found out last week that I may not be able to go to the college that my grandma hoped I would because of issues getting approved for loans and not being able to afford it without one. She wanted nothing more than for me to go to this college. It’s all she talked about up until the time came that she was no longer awake and coherent. We found out Sunday (the day before it had been a year since her passing) that I got a $500 scholarship from the high school that she and my mom graduated from, and we found out today (the day after it had been a year since she passed,) that the school had found enough money to help bring the amount I owe down to roughly $1,000 and that they’re still looking for more grants and ways to help cover even more of the cost for me. Like I said before, I’m not very religious, but I truly believe this was my grandma’s doing, and her way of telling me that she might not be here physically to help me, but that she’s still watching out for me.