Help I don't know how to deal with this situation

I have told this story way too many times before. At the age of 19, I fell deeply in love and boom..!! I was pregnant I was so happy although it was unplanned. I didn't a clue on how I was going to tell my mother I was pregnant. Anyways she knew and she was pissed off to the max. She told me I'm not going to have this child that I should abort it. I was upset. An entire three weeks she decided to call my bf at the time. Every week every minute. Finally, she got him to give her the money for the abortion pills. That night I sat on the toilet sit crying because I didn't want to do this. I began to question myself. should I really go through with this. Why!?.. me Lord I went back to her to let her know I just can't. In response, she told me you should go and get your bf to much the pill up for you. That was the worst pain possible you could think of I bleed more than what I should. Basically, lost so much weight I could fit in my 4 yrs sister clothes. I was so sick in and out of hospitals can't walk for too long, weak always sleeping always crying in the shower. It gets me pissed off when she says "I made these kids so you won't". like seriously I needed support

from him but couldn't see him. 4yrs has passed and I am still thinking about this. We see each other when we get the chance. Yes, we still have sex we still talk about having babies. My mother still hates him. And I am still hurting over that .. I shout... I scream.. I act out and I have a bad temper