There will always be the “what if’s”

What if I had actually given you a REAL chance?

What if I had actually let you in completely instead of shoving you out anytime you got close?

My best friend gave you my number when I was having horrible relationship issues, we talked for hours that night, you listened to me cry and pour my heart out about a guy you didn’t know and I was a girl you didn’t even know. But you sat there and you listened to every word. Something my boyfriend never done without turning it into me being whiny or trying to start an argument.

He drifted farther away from me, checked on me less, barely talked to me, but you, you were always there, always listening, always telling me that I deserved better.

Then for awhile there every time me and my boyfriend would break up you would always keep me company still trying to make me happy, we would get close, I would get happy and feel like I’m ready to start something with you, and then my ex would come back with his sweet lies and reel me back in. Every. Single. Time.

Then I got pregnant, he tried to say I cheated on him, that his baby was yours, he told everybody and anybody that would listen that I was a dirty whore and that the baby wasn’t his.

And oh how sometimes I wish it would’ve been true because I knew you would have been there, you wouldn’t have called me names, or left me to deal with a pregnancy alone. Hell you were even there the night that I found out, meanwhile my loving boyfriend was too baked to care.

And when I had the baby you had even tried to come visit at the hospital, I told you it wasn’t a good idea, oh how I wish I could have seen you. One of the few that was there for me during that time.

Then we fell off for awhile, until you heard me and my boyfriend broke up. For good.

We talked for awhile and it was good, I had already been single for a year, you knew I had my son and you still wanted to be in our lives. You wanted to take care of us and love us, yet again I pushed you away. This time out of fear, because my loving ex decided to put things into my head, beat me with his fists, hurt me with his words. I felt unworthy of love ESPECIALLY yours.

You had been so good to me and time and time again I hurt you.

Now you have twins and a beautiful fiancée.

I know that could’ve been me had I’d given you a chance, but it’s not. I’m happy for you, she makes you happy. Your girls make you happy. You deserve that.

I know that I had my chance and I ruined it over and over for a man that didn’t give a shit and I didn’t realize what I had lost until it was too late.

I can’t help and think about the what if’s.

(Sorry I’m just very in my feelings reading old text messages.)

Keep in mind a lot of this took place when we were super young so if any of it sounds super immature it’s because it was.🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s also the first time I have ever opened up and talked about this, usually it’s something I shove down and keep to myself but I thought maybe it would help to talk about it.

It has now been a year since I talked to him and I still have yet to start dating or anything, my ex messed me up so bad that I’m terrified to let anyone in.