I’ve been off lately

Very very moody

I snap at the littlest things

Once I’m upset it lasts all day and I take it out on the wrong people, mostly my boyfriend who doesn’t deserve it at all, I tell him it isn’t him and I’m sorry for it but I still feel so toxic and that he’d be better off with someone who can control themselves more, who isn’t so toxic but he tells me it’s ok that everyone goes through rough patches and that he’s here for me

I lay in bed not wanting to do anything

I haven’t showered in days, I’m disgusting

I hate everything about me again when I was getting so good at loving myself and trying to become healthier

I noticed a small change in my “love handles” (nothing lovely about them) they were smaller, had less of a drop off sorta thing to my hips but then I looked at the rest of myself and still thought I was a fat piece of shit

I was doing good on eating less and not eating junk then I went and ate like 4 or 5 portions of pasta, had a bowl of cereal after that and then cookies after

I’ve corrected myself now but I still feel like shit because I ruined it and probably put back on anything that I had lost

I don’t know why my depression spiked again but it’s good like that, to come when I’m finally in a good routine with showering, cleaning, eating and everything else

I wish this wouldn’t happen to me

I wish I was normal

I wish I could be better

I wish to be skinny so I wouldn’t hate myself so much

I wish I could sleep at night, go to bed at a normal time and wake up at a normal time instead of going to bed at 5am and sleeping till 2/3/4/5/6 at night

I wish on so many things but

I just want to not feel terrible all the time because it sucks, I miss so much of my life, I don’t have friends to go hang out and spend the summer with, I don’t do anything but lay around watching Netflix

I want to be a normal 17 year old and not be trapped in a body I hate and a mind that constantly reminds me of how terrible and disgusting I am

I’m only still here because of 4 people

My sister

My mom

My boyfriend

My dad

That’s it

If they weren’t around I’d be dead