I had no idea about this! I decided to stop doing cocaine 4 months ago, it’s been hard but it gets easier each day. Each hour that I’m clean is a success and makes it harder for me to even think about relapsing. I’ve got too much to lose right now.

It took forever for my husband to regain his trust in me, in fact he’s still working on that, after a whole year of me lying to him and months that I’ve left him so I could do drugs in peace somewhere else he completely lost his trust in me. Cocaine was just so deep in my brain I left him on December 17 and didn’t come back home until February 26. I spent the holidays away from my husband sniffing cocaine, popping benzos and ODing every other week.

I’m in tears as I’m writing this because I’m not proud of what I did. I look at him and sometimes I just cry because I’ve put him through HELL and there’s nothing I can do to change the past. His family lost their respect for me with reason. I am still too ashamed to hang out with his family. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s an awful feeling.

How many nights in those 3 months I wasn’t home he spent awake calling me crying begging me to come home. All I’d say is “just give me time, I’m not ready”. I’ve tortured this man and still he took me back. He took me back after watching me spending ALL of my savings on cocaine, losing my job over cocaine, getting arrested and convicted of DUI after passing out behind the wheel ODing on Valiums.

Our first wedding anniversary last year, he bought me flowers but I was too high on cocaine to notice. I don’t even remember the day. How could I be such a disgusting human being? I can’t stop crying, I just hate myself for doing this to him and to my family. I lost total control of myself, I was so dumb. Today when I think back I get this tight feeling in my chest and I ask myself WHAT WAS I THINKING. Why did I do this? I hurt so many people. I’ll never forgive myself.

My husband is the best man I’ve ever met. He doesn’t do drugs, he’s honest and hard working. He spent Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve without knowing where his wife was, if she was alive or dead, I ignored him and his calls. I disappeared so I could do drugs. One night he even reported me missing. I apologize to him every day, I tell him I love him 10 times a day now, I just want to make sure he knows how much I love him and that person wasn’t me. It was someone else I don’t even know. I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want to touch drugs again.

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