I'm so scared, I guess I'm more than scared... I swear I'm losing my mind. I've had panic attack, severe depression, and so much anxiety since my loss... now fastforward and I am 9w5d and have an ultrasound at 4pm tomororw... we lost our last child in almost the 2md trimester and it was so traumatizing for me. I just realized I never have spoken about the loss and I'm praying this post will help me some.. so here it goes... .I was at work, I'm a daycare teacher, and it has been a rough week.. but I was still grateful for my job and for my unborn baby. I started feeling seriously awful around noon and had some what I thought at the time was movements. I was over the moon excited, I remeber rushing to the door and yelling for my friend I felt her move! I felt her... about 2 hours later i went to the restroom bc i had mild cramp and some wetness, I honeslty just assumed it was more mucus. I had zero signs of a bad pregnancy... ZERO. well my life fell into shambles when I felt a sharp pain amd rushed to the bathroom to realize it was blood and alot of it. my pants were suddenly soaked and works floor covered in blood. I yelled at my bff at work and asked how much blood was to much, while trying so hard not to let my daycare babies notice me cry. (those kids were my life too and I would have done anything to protect them from pain.) well she yelled at me to go now and get to ER. well at this point I'm in full panic mode. I race to my car, call my husband what seemed like 100million times and no answer. I was afraid, in pain, soaked in my own blood, and terrified. so I called my mom ... who had no idea the baby even existed until that moment.. she literally dropped what she was doing and flew to the hospital. at this point I was sitting at hospital trying to find parking when I finally broke down and asked a guard. he was my savior that day and i owe him so much. he parked my car, despite the blood soaked seat(that later needed professionally clean) and called for a stretcher bc he could see I was abouy to faint. my mom finally arrived and my husband's work finally got him off the production floor and he was on his way. the hospital was overcrowded so thet stuck me in a hallway, while we waited for ultrasound... I know i should have known baby was gone but you try so hard to stay positive... sometimes you start to believe it. well what felt like ages passed and my husband finally arrived... about 5 minutes before the ultrasound. well when the tech came to get me there had been a big misunderstanding and he was DENIED THE ABILITY TO GO INTO THE ULTRASOUND ROOM WITH ME. so there I sat, covered in blood, terrified, weak, and just praying my baby my sweet sweet rainbow girl was ok.. she just has to be right? ... wrong the minute I saw the screen i knew she was gone.. and my world fell apart.. I was alone and the most broken i have ever been. staring at a screen with my unborn baby that I knew wasn't even there anymore.. For the next 15 minutes I sat completely alone, in a cold room, looking at that screen, and weeping. The doctor, nurse, and finally my husband were allowed back for one last look...basically begged the doctor to triple check... and again my worst fear was confirmed. no heartbeat.. those words rip your soul out.. they tear a peace of you away so fast...to fast. I spent the next 12hrs in ER bc my hear rate was over 175 from pain and stress. the following Friday my baby would be surgically removed. the surgery went horribly, I bled to much, I had trouble waking up, and they stuck me on a mother baby floor and I listened to another mother literally give birth after my child had died. I know i sound dramatic.. but that's how it felt. Like a slap in my face...I went home as soon as they allowed only to have to return only 46hrs later for my second emergency D&C.; this time was harder believe it or not.. Bc I had made up this delusion that they made a mistake and the baby made it and somehow my first d&c; killed it and i punished myself.. told myself I killed my baby.. when I know i did no such thing.. I spent 5 grueling miserable days in the hospital. the recovery after that point.. well I wish it was cut and dry and easy... but nothing in life is ever easy. it took me 9weeks to go to a Hcg level of 25.. then finally a week later i was at zero again... I struggled and drank and cried and bargained and yelled at God. I pushed my friends away, my family, I almost took my own life... not something Im proud of at all but it is apart of my story. I finally started seeing a therapist and have worked on me.. except now I'm 9w5d again and I just feel like at the ultrasound tomorrow the trap door below my feet will be flung open agsin ans i will get more bad news. NOTHING indicates this will happen... but I have nightmares about it, I have started having panic attacks again and my therapist said maybe sharing it, even anonymously, may help me heal. so hear i am ... sharing my story