I'm in my early 20s and while I feel I should be leveling up in life now...well, I'm not lol.

I just got my permit, and I'm set to go back to school in the fall. But though I recently got hired for a job in retail, it's not where I should be (as there aren't any opportunities in getting promoted; I am willing to find a side hustle to cover other important expenses). I'm also in grad school, though I have no research experience that'll help me get into a decent PhD program. Though I am set to graduate next year, deadlines for most colleges are in December, and I feel I'm running out of time.

I envy the women my age with besties; alongside each other having girls nights. I envy the ones in loving romantic relationships, the ones with well-paying jobs (or at least more decent ones than at retail). I want to have a car, a regular job, a group of best friends, a loving long-term relationship, an apartment of my own, etc. But I always end up with people I either drift apart from or those who turn out not to be the 'friend' I was led to believe they'd been. I've always been the girl who'd be passed over for a much prettier friend, or I'd be told how ugly/undesirable I was.

As someone who'd been born 'divergent' (autistic/ADHD/anxiety), it's always been an uphill battle; both my mom and I agree that it's caused me to deal with plenty of setbacks. Though I've done better than what the ESE department had predicted of my 'fate', I still feel behind. Though my parents did their absolute best in ensuring the best for all of us (especially my mom; love her to the moon and back) she admits that I was enabled. However, I'm not going to sit here and place blame; as I've mentioned, my parents have and still are my biggest cheerleaders. It's just...my work ethic; my lack of self-discipline that's holding me back. I want to have the best life, and get out there experiencing it. But I'm not there. I feel like such a loser. I feel like a defect, a failure.

I know it sounds like I want a pity party. But the truth of the matter is that I do my best, and some days get a bit more difficult for me than others. I understand some people feel this way when unsure of their path. But that's not me! I KNOW where I want to be; I'm just not where I feel I should be right now. And I know it's because I don't know how to sit down and put in the hard work. All I know is privilege. All I know is my folks providing for me with as much as they have, and though I will ALWAYS be appreciative, I don't have the work ethic to support myself or anyone. I can't give back to my family, to my parents.

I feel like a huge loser.