Orgasms aren't always that simple

So this is my first post, I'm tired of everyone saying "you'll know it when it happens" when referring to orgasms because this is not always the case. I have been masturbating for as long as remember and have not been able to orgasm until the past year no matter how hard I tried. The first few times were weird and I really had to force myself to do (also it only worked with a vibrator or shower) it and it turns out I don't even feel anything. It's called sexual anhedonia, a disorder where you cannot "feel" an orgasm, I get the muscle contractions but nothing else, sometimes as it happens the feeling disappears completely, sometimes it lingers from what I felt just before the orgasm and it's always slightly painful but definitely doesn't add any pleasure. Finding out about the condition made me feel better, but I had always been insecure about it, as if it made me a failure. If you have or have had this feel free to share any tips or experiences it might help one of us and know you're not alone.