I'm not exactly sure how to explain that. I'm hoping to find someone nice enough to give me advice because my life is a mess. Please excuse my english, it's not my first language. Sorry this is going to be very long. Sorry to talk about this here but this is probably one of my last place I'm trying. I'm just going to give a bit of background to help understand how I got at this point.

Soo...I'm 13 y/o. But I've never looked or acted like my age. I grew up too fast. Physically and mentally. I got my puberty by the age of 6. My parents weren't strict at all. So I grew up mostly being friends with older people who weren't necessarily good influences. And they wouldn't care much about me. They would just buy a computer and a phone so that I wouldn't bother them all day long. So I basically grew up on the internet. And that f*cked me up really bad. Skipping a bit. By the age of 7 I had anxiety and problem with self-harm and I was already thinking about suicide. I always had this weird feeling as If something was stuck in my throat. I had stomachache. Panick attack too. I would always care about what the others were saying about me. I hated being different. I was taller, rebellious and a troublemaker, I looked older. Since I looked older, people like adults made me understand certain things that a 9 y/o shouldn't know.

Anyways. Let's go to the time I was 11. At this point I was tired of everything. I always had very good grades. I was said to be a very smart child. I understood things, learned incredibly fast, everything seemed so easy. By the end of my 5th grade I stopped going to school. I suddenly didn't have the motivation to do so anymore. Since my parents were still not strict at all, they wouldn't care. Mostly my mom since I live with her. In the summer I started having really bad anxiety. I started self-harming again. I had stopped at 8. But this time it got out of control. I started cutting myself everywhere I could. My wrists, my stomach, my thighs. I started developing a fear of people. I hated going out. I would just go into panic. So I spent the whole summer in my room on my phone.

Back to September 2016. I went back to school. But like 3 days a week. I was tired. So I just went when I felt like. Eventually my self-harm got bad. My whole body was covered in cuts. I was so obsessed by it that I would even do it at school. I just couldn't control it anymore. I understood that I needed help. So I talked to my teacher about it because I felt like I could trust her. She didn't care much. She just called the child protection on me. They just barged into my house one morning to confirm with me. Nobody around me was able to understand why I did this. For them, it was all for attention. They didn't think that maybe I was suffering. So I started seeing a therapist. At that moment I got diagnosed with anxiety. But they suspected that there was more than that. But they didn't look into it. Didn't help me neither. I would see her like every two months. Forward to December 2016 which was the breaking point. I got physically abused by a teacher.

I was in the school hallway waiting for my mom to come get me because I was sick. I started playing with my phone. He went in front of me and asked me to give it to him. I refused since I was going home and everything. I laughed nervously (context: that teacher scared every girls in the school. He had a pedophile past.) and he said "Is that a game for you ?" I didn't understand at all. So he just grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me up. I was 5"7 at the time and 11 y/o. He was 45 and 6"4. I'm letting you imagine. He started grabbing me around to get my phone at all cost. At some point he pushed me against a wall so hard I started crying. I was totally terrified of him. I managed to escape. He started running after me around the school. I made it to my teacher who was in class alone at that moment. I was crying and terrified. She didn't even listen to me. She just told me to go back with my classmates. So that's what I did. I was out of my mind. After that, for 2 weeks I had a bruise on my wrist and on my shoulder. The police got involved, but it didn't change much. There was no witnesses so they didn't believe it.

After that, I totally stopped going to school. I only went back for 3-4 days in May to do exams. I managed to pass 6th grade. I don't know how.

Anyways I got to 7th grade. And that meant I had to go to a new school. I was very stressed and didn't know how to control it so of course I started self-harming again. The new school, the new people, the new teacher just made my anxiety worst. Going to school was literally making me sick physically. I would throw up and have really bad stomachache. So I didn't go neither. And I knew that it was bad. But I just couldn't control myself. School and people there scared me. Literally I was scared of strangers. I was mostly thinking they were always judging me and thinking that I was fat, ugly and so many other things. I hated going to school. And I only had one friend. All those years of me being fucked me mentally made me pushed everyone. So I was just lonely. Back in November 2017, I had a fight with my only friend. I got so scared of losing her and being totally alone, I thought that maybe killing myself was the way to avoid everything. I wrote a e-mail to a website made for help to teenagers. I said I wanted to kill myself. The e-mail got taken so seriously they traced my ip and called the police. I had to be hospitalized for 24h.

After that, my close family reaction were still "you're doing it for attention.".

We're now in July 2018. I failed my 7th grade for not going enough. But in the past months I tried everything to help me pass but it wasn't enough for my school. It was probably one of my worst fears. But I knew it was going to happen. I'm scared of what others will think about me. I'm scared of everything right now.

My anxiety is bad again. I feel pathetic. I feel stupid. I'm scared to go back in August. I don't have the courage to tell anyone. The thought of maybe letting everything go is here again but this time I don't want to be ruined by it. So I am asking for advice to just cope with all of this. Should I try talking about it to someone? Should I just wait for it to go away? Has anyone went through something similar? I just need advice to help me because I don't know how to deal with myself.

Idk if I’m depressed

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