Postpartum Depression with Loss

Suzy

My husband and I lost our first baby girl at 22 weeks on May 20th due to a placental abruption. I'm devastated...heart broken...all I can think about is why my body failed to keep carrying her...she was a healthy baby. Since she was our first I'm terrified I'll have another abruption and will never carry a baby full term. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but the thought of being pregnant again consumes me...it's what I think will really help me deal with this pain. I'm also seeing a therapist, going to support groups, and going to yoga so that I can work on this grief and so that I can be stable enough to start TTC. I'm seeing a specialist for a preconception visit next week...really hoping he eases my mind and brings me some comfort. I feel like I have some good days...but mostly sad and emotional days. I keep looking at forums for hopeful stories after abruptions and I just obsess over it. My therapist is telling me to only allow 30min a day to think these thoughts...look up forums and etc. it's just so hard for me...all I can think about is the day we lost our baby, going through a traumatic labor, remembering how beautiful she was and the thought of never being able to hold her again. Just so sad, and trying to keep hope that one day we will have our rainbow baby.

Thanks for reading. If anyone has any good advice or hopeful stories please share :)

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COMMENT (5)

Gr

Posted at
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. I’ve experienced a few losses in pregnancy. It is devastating. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that families can be together forever and I will be with my babies when I pass on to the other side. I have 8 children still here and have had 3 miscarriages. I’ve experience such deep sadness it is hard to explain. My last miscarriage was Nov. 1st as I was celebrating the 1st bday of my 8th. My 8th started off as a twin and the twin didn’t make it. So 2 of the 3 miscarriages happened a little over a year apart from each other. May God bless you and enlighten your mind to the reality that your daughter is watching over you. Even when you can’t see her. May you feel her love for you. I hold on to that knowing my Grace is my angel. Someday we will be able to hold them. Until then when I get sad I let myself go through that sadness. I pray for help and i get it. I talk to people about it. I share it. So many people suffer in silence. I wish I could give you a BIG hug. Much LOVE to you as you go through this heartache. I know probably nothing I can say will help right now. Just be kind to yourself and keep loving your baby girl.

Gr

Gretchen • Jul 4, 2018
❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

Su

Suzy • Jul 4, 2018
Thank you so much for messaging me and sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your losses...but as you said one day I hope to be with my baby girl in eternity. I do find comfort in knowing she is watching over me. I lost my G'ma two weeks before losing her so I envision my G'ma holding our Indiana (Indie) in her arms. I know she's taking good care of her. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. It helps to know that with the time it does get better. I'm dreading the countdown to her due date, but trying to make it positive and look at it as a countdown to us trying again for her little sister or brother. Thanks again for reaching out...means a lot 💓

Li

Posted at
Hi Suzy. I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. I also lost my boy at 28 weeks last September. Like you I was consumed with wanting to be pregnant again. I did fall pregnant pretty much straight away again. I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with another little boy. The only advice I can give you is make sure you are strong enough to go through another pregnancy before trying. Speak to you partner and discuss the realisation of another pregnancy. Unfortunately, I don’t think I was ready at all. I’m suffering a lot with depression and anxiety and have really struggled through this pregnancy, even to the point of wishing I hadn’t done it. Crazy as that is!! I love this baby and can’t wait to meet him but honestly there has been times I’ve really struggled mentally. I totally believe a new baby will heal you but only to a small extent. I’m currently pregnant but I still miss my boy I lost and I think about him every single minute of every day, I also feel very guilty. It’s hard, really hard. All I can say is ensure you time it right. Good luck to you lovely. Big hugs xx

Su

Suzy • Jul 6, 2018
Hi Lizzie, thank you for sharing your story and your honest feelings with me. As much as I want to be pregnant right now I know emotionally I cant go a day without crying over my baby girl...my emotions are just all over the place. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you mama...but also so very happy for you and your family. Im sure your little boy is watching over you and his little baby brother. That thought comforts me 💓sending you love, hugs and peace during your pregnancy.