Im posting anon because Ive posted before and you guys are going to be mad that I am still sticking it out, despite everything he has done to me. We are 23 and 25, high school sweethearts, been together 6.5 years and married for just over one year. It was an extremely public event as we come from a small town. He was controlling and abusive before marriage, but I grew up with abuse so I didn't know any different until a friend pointed it out to me, and it wasn't this bad before. Im going to lay it all out there and hopefully someone can help me get the courage to leave. I want to, but I can't. I am weak.

- he lied for almost a year about graduating from high school. I cut off friends because he said they were lying and got mad when I brought up what they said about him. Him getting mad at me made me mad at them so I cut off my best friend since 3rd grade because of it. He comes out later and admits to it but acts like I have no business being mad about it and to basically get over it. I begged him for the next five years to get his GED but he refused until this year.

- he had his car repoed but said the bank never told him the payments were late. Another lie, but I believed it at 18. My mom bought out the car and we still owe her $8600 because he refuses to give her money for it because its "embarrassing" and "degrading" for him. So half of the money we have given her for it has been mine. I do fully intend to pay her back for it, but I am in school and have no extra finances.

- To add onto the finances issue, he makes a MINIMUM of $2500 a MONTH after taxes. And I know he brings home more than that because thats just for 48 hours a week, and he works at least 60 every week. He only pays out $1600 in bills (including $150 of spending money), but for some reason his truck just got repoed (about 5 years after the last one). Only now were married, and his credit effects mine. I found out from my sister in law because he couldn't be bothered to tell me and she legitimately thought I knew. BECAUSE WERE MARRIED and married people tell each other that shit. He said he didn't pay it for a month because he was trying to save money. That sounds like bullshit to me and they dont repo until after you've missed at least 2 months. When I confronted him about it, he got mad at me. Everyone including me thinks hes doing drugs and thats why he has no money. Im going to drug test him Friday when I get enough money to buy the test. I took a desk job at my work which resulted in my pay being cut in half, because he feels women belong at desk jobs or not working. I am a full time student as well. I make $1600 a month, but I pay out $1650 in bills because he doesnt want to help me. I end up having to ask my mom for help, because my own husband wont help me. Some days I dont eat because I cant afford food (we are separated at the moment). I bought a second car because I was stupid, but the law states that you can take it back within 2 weeks. I wanted to the very next day, but he said he wanted to keep it and he would pay for it if we did. Guess what? I pay for it every month. Which is my own damn fault, but im still mad about it.

- He has been physical with me more than once. From holding me down until I cant breathe (he outweighs me by 100 pounds) to throwing me across a room to grabbing me by my neck or bruising my arms and legs. I am physical too, thats not all him. He does it because when I try to talk to him calmly about things he doesnt want to talk about (how im feeling, bills, or anything im excited about) basically anything hes not in the mood for, he acts like he cant hear me. Sits on his phone and either doesnt say anything or says "yep" loudly as im talking or he will look up at the ceiling instead of looking at me. So I pinch him (not hard, its mostly a poke) to make him look at me or stop and that starts the physical altercations. He lies about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. From when he bought something to who people are. But gets mad when I call him out on it.

- He packed his shit and left when I wore something that was on the not allowed list (Lacey underwear). Im not allowed to wear certain things, including, but not limited to:

-bathing suits (not even a shirt and a pair of shorts in the pool)

-Nike/underarmour shorts that have the liner in them

-thongs and underwear that have lace or arent 100% cotton granny panties

- yoga pants

-low cut tops (anything that isn't a crew neck is considered low cut)

- short shorts or dresses or rompers (more than 3 inches above my knee)

-tight fitting clothing

-not allowed to not have a bra in my house or sleep naked

-sports bras

-cut off tank tops

-strapless anything there are more but I dont care to think about it harder

- Im not allowed to go out or have friends. He even said "whats the point in living together when you dont even get home some nights until 10-11:30 at night." I only go out on Friday nights and a lot of the time I stay with my friend because we drink- plus im not with him and its nice. I come home late on Thursdays because I have class and go to the gym after class. Every other night im home by 7-8:30 and willing to go to work earlier to get home by 6, but the problem is he wants me home before he gets home because its my job to take care of things inside the house (aka have dinner ready and laundry done). I dont mind that part because he doesnt do it anyways and Im particular about cleaning.

- I had a male friend from work and he respected that I was married. Literally just friends. But thats a no-no with my husband, so we never hung out outside of work. When we separated, he came out and said he had feelings for me but I told him I didn't feel right getting together (even though im madly in love with him and I still am). My husband goes through my phone, computer, and Apple Watch constantly and found messages from this person, even the part about me saying no we have to be just friends and the guy being super respectful of that and even apologizing for admitting his feelings. But he sat outside my work waiting for the guy trying to hurt him. He even came inside the building looking for him to assault him. I work with vulnerable adults and I had to threaten to call the cops if he didn't leave. Hes no longer allowed on company property.

- Speaking of going through my phone and shit, he does that but I'm not even allowed to know the passcode to his phone or even hold it while its locked or he freaks the fuck out. He throws me down and rips it from my hand to get it back. He goes through my backpack when I pack clothes to stay at friends houses and accuses me of cheating on him.

- He has sex with me when im sleeping even when I say no while awake, and ive told him before I dont want sex while sleeping because I dont like it. Right now were not having sex at all because he refuses to use a condom and finishes inside of me every time, even when I ask him not to. Im aware that this is sexual abuse.

- I have caught him talking to other women before. He swears it was nothing but im not stupid. Its always over snapchat so even though I pay for the phone bill, I cant track his messages that way. ive tried.

- he never wants me to see his family and lies and says im out of town when they ask about me.

- I have battled eating disorders for 10 years and im not fat, but he says shit like "the only place you run is to the food" when I bring up going for a run. He gets mad that I go to the gym because he wants me to be fat so I cant leave him. Yes, he has told me this. Plus, he likes to talk about how fat I am when we would have sex, it gets him off and even though I told him it ruins my self confidence, he continues to do it. He tries to play with my tummy roll when im sleeping to turn himself on and then takes my pants off and puts it inside me from behind, If I tell him not to, he either gets mad or he just keeps trying until I give in.

Theres more, but I dont feel the need to continue. Its super obvious that this relationship is absolute shit, but I feel like I cant leave. We just got married, and a divorce is super embarrassing to me, even though everyone and their mother (literally) says I need to. I know I do, but I feel like I cant. He spend hundreds of dollars on our 6 year anniversary and I though things would be better. They weren't but I felt guilted into staying because he spent so much money. Same thing for our wedding anniversary. $3000+ diamond necklace that I feel I cant leave now that hes given it to me. Its beautiful, but every time I think about leaving him I get really sad because he spend so much time and money getting it. I wont let him come home after he packed his shit and left for the fourth time and he called me crying and screaming hysterically begging me to let him come home because I was everything to him. I dont believe that, but hearing it was extremely hard and I feel I cant stay away. I love his family so much and they have been so good to me, and I dont want to lose them. His parents dont speak English so I literally wouldnt ever get to see his mom again and that breaks my heart. We have four dogs together so Id have to live with my mom and I HATE living there. Theres no way in hell Id be able to afford my own place. I shouldn't, but I love him so much it kills me. Its literally killing me to love him and I cant find it in me to leave him. I do and I am overcome with so much pain and sadness it just makes me sick. We tried counseling, but he didnt take it seriously and was a completely different person in her office and it wasn't doing any good. I need to leave, but I cant. I dont know how to be strong enough.