It just hurts so much. When you think I'm finally back to normal. I can finally function and be at peace. But it'll never be true. Supposed to feel two babies in my stomach right now. But I'm just angry. Angry that I went to multiple appointments with sorry ass ultra sound techs who didn't even see my second baby until it was too late. Angry at myself because I knew I saw the second sac and as a nursing student I didn't speak up. Angry for not going to more appointments, for losing weight, so angry for being so small. And not strong enough. I hate myself sometimes. Hate that I had a dream that was taken from me. I found out 2.21.18 there was no heartbeat. And on 2.22.18 they found an even smaller baby who had passed weeks before. I just hate the doctors so much. I can't keep crying. I just want to punch a wall and rip my hair out all of the time. Knowing that I would be 34 weeks around this time and I'm completely empty when I would be holding my twins right now. Having a period every month reminding me of the blood. I regret the d&c; my mom forced me to get so quickly. I feel like I would've like the chance to hold them or bury them no matter how small. Of the cramps. Of the pain. I have nobody else. My own best friend didn't even come to the hospital for me. My family wants to pretend it never happened. And I'm just constantly trying to push forward. But what hurts the most is not being recognized as a mother just because I don't have my babies with me. My due date is Aug 20th. I just don't know what to do to get some kind of closure. But getting this off my chest after holding it in for months just makes me feel real I guess. I have one ultrasound of my twins with no heartbeat, and I don't know what to do with it. I love it but it hurts. I want to remember but I want to forget. I just wish I would've known. I just wish I would've did something.