Feeling kind of down, and was wondering if anyone has been through something similar or can relate. I posted briefly about this before, but feel like I just need to get more off my chest. I apologize in advance, as this will probably be long.

I will start out by saying I don’t feel depressed, in the typical sense. I have struggled with depression in the past, and have a long history of anxiety as well as OCD.

I just had my second little one in early June, and everything went well. We had a planned c-section and tubal, and came home with the baby two days later. The next few days were rough, learning to get into a routine with a newborn and a toddler, and dealing with the pain from the section, but it was going ok.

Two days later I ended up being admitted again with extremely high blood pressure, and was diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia. This was a shock, as I’ve never experienced high blood pressure..ever. Going to the ER and being admitted shot my anxiety through the roof. I was honestly terrified and was afraid I was going to die. I couldn’t go to sleep because I was afraid I wasn’t going to wake up.

My BP is much better now, so much that I’m off of the medication.

But I’m still having a lot of anxiety and sadness.

As I mentioned, during the surgery, I had a tubal done. I was absolutely miserable during this pregnancy, and we were both certain that we only wanted two children, especially due to our age (more so his than mine; I’m 31, he’ll be 44).

The doctor asked me several times if I was sure, and I was.

But now, I feel so much regret and sadness. Sadness that I’ll never be pregnant again, and feel those feelings again. I’ll never experience it again. I keep mentally replaying the whole birth experience, afraid that I eventually won’t remember it.

I know I should focus on the fact that I have 2 healthy and beautiful babies, but I can’t shake this feeling of grief and regret.

One of the doctors had mentioned that it was probably a good thing that I had the tubal done, as I had issues with the placenta and IUGR in the first pregnancy, and pp preeclampsia with this one, and that I would likely have issues with subsequent pregnancies.

I just don’t know how to get to a point of peace with this. How is it possible to be so incredibly certain, and then be filled with so much remorse about your decision?

I’m only 5 weeks postpartum so I know I’m still a bit hormonal, but I cry just about every day to every other day about this. I cry if I see someone pregnant, or even if someone asks me if I’m going to have more children.

Has anyone experienced something similar, or have any advice?

Sorry this is so long, and thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.