About a year ago someone I knew and loved died by suicide. My heart shattered. I went numb. My whole existence didn’t matter anymore. The first few weeks I laid crying until I was asleep. Even now I still cry. Listening to recordings of them to try to never forget their laugh or their humor, never forget how they sang or how they acted. Trying to keep my head above the waters is hard. Most days I drown and it’s never ending. I have a hole where my heart was. I lost my best friend. My absolute soul mate. I may have married someone different. We’ve been married for quite some time now, but my husband understands and knows I was and always will be completely in love with who passed. The reason I was not with them is difficult to explain. We were better as friends. That’s how it was. Best friends. Will it ever get easier? I keep wanting to go check up to see how they’re doing and remember they’re gone. Looking at their last reply to someone. Their last retweet. Their last Instagram photo. Their last whatever, my heart burns. How do you cope? How do you get over it? Will I be able to? It’s been almost 5 years since my other friend passed and I still can’t get over them either. Or the third person in my life I have lost. What will I do? Why do people leave me? I suffer with depression and anxiety too. So I know when I get depressed I don’t think of others. I think of what imthinking of. I have the experience. The education. You can seem so happy and be gone because you listened to a lie your mind told you. I just want to know was there something I could’ve said? Something I could’ve done? Will my heart mend? On days like today where it stings my memory how can I cope?