My sperm donor

My father’s side of the family has a long line of drug abuse in many forms, in short a history of easily addicted people. My grandma died because of hers; that story in itself could be a book. Although out of all of them, I need to talk about the one who hits home.... my dad. My dad has always been a harsh, unfiltered shitbag when it comes to expectations, punishments, and emotions in general. For how big of a man he is, it’s surprising that he is usually only verbally abusive.

My dad’s drug of choice is alcohol and tobacco, without either he is a psychotic robot. His job is an airplane mechanic for United; he is posted as night shift from 9 pm- 7 am. This means that I don’t see him a whole lot. I leave for school at 7 and don’t get home until 11 because I work after school.

When I do see my father he is constantly yelling at me telling me I’m worthless and I don’t pull my share in this house. He mocks me when I’m on the verge of crying especially if he knows I’m on my period. This next part I have never even told my mom because I’m scared of what would happen; when he drinks and it’s just him and I at the house, he gets some much more hands-ie then I would ever agree, I’m too afraid to push him off, because he has hit me once or twice. He has never tried to pull my clothes off, just sliding his hands around them and sometimes under to feel my waist or ribs. Sometime attempting to pull the back of my shirt up to “check for acne”, while slightly leaning himself over me.

I don’t know what I want to happen to him. In one hand I know that he is my father and I’m supposed to love him and not want to see him getting hurt; in the other hand I want to light the house on fire with him tied to his bed, and never see this property again.

By the way this whole thing has seemingly given me daddy issues.