Back story:

April 2015- I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, yet so scared. I was only 19 for crying out loud. I couldn’t wait to tell anyone. I was so happy.

May 2015- Then something scary, I started to bleed. I was so scared and worried. I went to the doctor, they told me everything was normal and the baby was fine. I knew nothing was fine, I was bleeding, that doesn’t happen during pregnancy! But I listened to the doctor and assumed it was just my anxiety. Couple weeks went by I was still bleeding. I had a pinch and I had to pee. Of course, I went and then something came out, it was big but not big enough to be my baby. But something about it looked strange like, sac like. I went to my doctor and the baby was fine. So, what was this thing? Doctor negligence, blood clot. Google and just about every other medical info suggested miscarriage of twin.

August 2015- Switched to new doctor to confirm loss of baby b at 12 weeks. Currently, 21 weeks and still bleeding. I have been placed on bed rest for 2 weeks.

Week 1- still bleeding and I have to keep returning to work because “medical bed rest means absolutely nothing to us”.

August 6, 2015- 4:30AM pre-term labor begins, water not broken. 5:30- arrive at hospital, I had to have my husband keep pulling over to throw up. Water still not broke. 5:45- water still not broke, hospital decides that I need to be induced and my daughter will not survive because they will not try to save her because they do not want to. 6:00- water still not broke. Doctors come in with induction kit. I ask them not to break my water and to try to stop my labor, to which they reply with refusing to stop my labor and resuscitating my daughter to keep her alive. 7:00- I’ve been induced and water is broken. They add the monitors to my stomach, listening to her heartbeat. 12:00- This moment lasted what seemed like forever. I looked at the time my husband had just left to get food. Suddenly, I progressed from 5-8. And I could still hear her heartbeat and feel her moving. But something told me to call for my husband. And the second he came back she came out and at 12:07 she became the most beautiful angel I had ever seen.

Just like the doctor said, they would not try, they didn’t. I had to start to plan. Plan what I wanted to do with my daughter. Funeral arrangements...

Fast forward- it’s been 3 years, and all I want is to start trying again. But my husband doesn’t want to try for another 2-5 years. I’ve had baby fever for the last 2 years since our last miscarriage June 2016. Now it’s gotten really bad. I know he is scared it will happen again. Not sure how to get out of the baby fever stage or how to convince him to try again.