Okay so I’m confused and will keep this as short as possible but it’s not gonna be short lmao. Idk where to start, but last year I was suicidal and I felt like no body understood expect for my sisters boyfriend because he was suicidal too. He had talked me out of killing myself many times and became the only person I trusted, and I had never trusted anybody more in my life than him. He had family issues and was kicked out his house despite it not being his fault, and ended up living with my family. Before he came to live with he would drop hints that he wanted to have sex with me but I would dismiss because what kind of person would go after there gfs sister! Anyway, long story short he would finger me without my permission and would try and get me to have sex with him when everyone would leave, and I felt like I owed him everything because he saved my life so I didn’t say anything.

Okay so now we gonna fast forward to March 21st (this year) at about 12:40 a.m and I had stolen his juul because I felt like taking something that he valued because I felt like he had taken so much from me. He told me to give it back so I went to his room to give it back and I could give it up since it had a meaning to me. He was really pissed off and pulled my onto his lap and started kissing my neck. At this point I had put up with enough of his bs and I pushed him off of me, but he started choking me (his turn on) and then kissed my neck again and I did the same thing I did before. This went on a couple more times but the whole time I was saying no, and then I realized I could easily just leave his room. I ended up darting for the door and then he put me in a head lock, started choking me, and then proceeded to push his dick against me to let me know he was turned on then pushed me on the bed. He kissed my neck again and said “just give me my juul and I’ll let you leave”, but I genuinely didn’t believe him because he had broken all of my trust in the months leading up to this. He kept say “just give it to me”, but I knew him all to well that if I gave it to him he would be too turned on to let me leave. I never gave him the juul because I didn’t believe him (He still swears he would have let me go to this day so in this way it’s kind my fault all this happened if he was serious). Pretty much after all of this went on for two hours. I would try and fight him with what little strength I had (he has been in boxing for 6 years) and I would try to escape but each time he would choke me harder and harder and I remember him mocking the sounds of me choking and saying “I will choke you till you pass out you know that” which is when fear full on kicked him but I remained calm. During those two hours i was constantly pushing him off of me, telling to stop and let me leave, and telling him no. I remember there were several times where I had to use all my strength to physical pull his hands out of me and had to try and get his head out from between my legs (I was exhausted this was like 2 in the morning and I went to sleep at about 12 so i was mentally drained and from my oxygen being cut off so many times i was physical exhausted). Also at some point I couldn’t even lift my hands so I rolled to my side and said “if you won’t let me leave I’m just gonna sleep here right here because I can’t even move” and he said he would promise not to touch but that lasted like 2 minuets. Anyway after those two hours I was laying on my stomach practically lifeless no emotion in my face and no movement in my body’s (it was 3 and I only know that because he would tell me what time it was since I was dumb and left my phone in my room). He started rubbing up against me and very weakly i asked him to stop and he kept saying “come on” “let me fuck you” “it’ll feel so good” “please” and I kept telling him no until I realized that if I said yes then he would let me out of his room, so I my EXACT words were “Fine I’ll let you” he then he wiped out his dick and fucked me. He knew I didn’t want to have sex with him, but he knew that if he wore me down enough eventually I would allow him, so he did exactly that. The second he was done with me he let me leave room, and I could go to sleep despite how drained I was. I stayed up all night and told 3 of my friends what happened and all of them were telling me that it was rape and that it wasn’t my fault, but the thing is that I gave him verbal consent. Like legally he didn’t rape me even though he knew I didn’t want it. What made it even worse is that the next day he was texting me trying to ensure that I wouldn’t tell anyone. I feel like I was raped tbh but I’m not sure if I can even call it that. Someone help please.

Ps. Mimi is my grandma and Laura is my bsf. Also when this all happened I was 15 and he was 16 he and he was obsessed on taking my virginity for some reason, but he got what he wanted. All of what happened was my first time and I have PTSD from it. Guys can’t touch me without me getting triggered causing me to have flashbacks of what happened and sending me into an anxiety attack. I’m now 16 and he and I are as good as terms as possible for what happened and although he still lives with us he and my sister have broken up. In some ways it was my fault in other ways it was his ig it’s an equal blame thing but idk I can’t figure it out so I need the help of y’all. What do you guys think about this I want honest opinion please!!! Also in those text I still haven’t fully reached understanding of what had happened and felt like it was all my fault. I mean technically it’s sexual coercion which some people consider rape and others don’t. I’m still on the fence about it but I just tell people that I was “lowkey raped” if i have to talk about it because I don’t know what else to say