dear mom.

it’s so hard to pretend like i’m happy. Its so hard to sit here in front of you bawling my eyes out as you laugh at me and go on and on about how my problems don’t exist or don’t matter. I’m sorry that i had to grow up fast, i’m sorry that i had to grow up without a dad. I’m sorry you had to raise 2 kids without a husband, but then you didn’t because you met someone new 8 months later. I’m sorry that i don’t like him, and probably never will. I’m sorry that you have to rely on me to watch my little brother. I’m sorry that you run around screaming you want to kill your self. I’m sorry that i want to end my “life”, but i don’t because i don’t want to be selfish and i don’t want to leave my little brother alone. I don’t want to leave my little brother to deal with your shit. I’m sorry that i’m so impulsive that it drives you mad. I’m sorry about asking over and over again about painting my room, but i’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time. I’m sorry that i’m so mature for my age. I’m so sick and tired of feeling sorry for you. I’m tired of having to agree with you when i’m internally screaming on the inside begging for help. I’m sorry that your mother didn’t comfort you and made life hard on you and now you’re passing that down to me. But believe me when i say this, I will Never let my daughter feel this way, Never. I will never laugh at her and blame her feelings on social media. I will never expose her to any type of suicidal plans if i have any. I will never treat her with disgust and ignorance. I will never, never tell her that she is worthless or crazy. I can’t wait until i turn 18, so i can get the hell out of this prison. I don’t know how much longer i’ll have to feel this way, but i never want to feel it again.