Feeling Kind Of Sad 😞

Me and My SO laying side by side and things doesn’t feel the same anymore . We barely communicate ,& I have my reasons why I act the way I do because I’ve been hurt by him sooooo many times . I can’t stop thinking about how much he has hurt me , I forgave him because I’m still in love with him obviously . And when I get mad I say things that I don’t mean sometimes because I try to hurt him how he has hurt me . I know verbal abuse is wrong , I just need to do better because he feels as if I’m knocking him down . No negative comments I’m just venting because I honestly don’t have anyone to talk to