Scared

Hi, I’m new to this site. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I’ll just rant lol.

So, I’m a depressed person, suicidal and anxious. I just seemed to be improving a little bit. Then I got a boyfriend, it lasted a few days as I told him I wasn’t ready for sex and it will take me awhile until I am ready due to my past. Yet he’d constantly say how much he wants me.(in a sexual way) tell me what he wants to do to me. We went on our first date. Was a walk, he wouldn’t keep his hands off me and kissed me. It was my first kiss, (that I consented to anyway) I felt nothing, but pain. He kept kissing me, holding my hand, hugging me, holding me ect. Which, Brought back bad memories. This was a few days ago. Last night I tried to commit suicide. I went out for help as in I posted something depressing on my social media. My sister seen it and told me to take it down that instant. She didn’t care how I felt. She said she was embarrassed to be associated with someone who posted such things. Needless to say I felt useless. My mother has been saying I’m wasting my life away and I’m a disappointment. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I have no friends as much as I try to make friends, it never works. So I’m alone in this fight against myself. So here I am, seeking guidance from strangers.. (apologies for any miss spelling. it’s 1am I can barely think straight)