so, this is gonna be discussing childhood sexual abuse from a family member, so if that bothers you, or causes a PTSD flareup of any kind for those who relate, I recommend clicking away.

so, the thing is this.

when I was five years old, my father raped me. it wasn't even out of an attraction (mostly, I don't know what's going on in his brain), but he used an act of sexual violence as an alternative, or sequel, to a beating. because of that, I had to work very hard to stop associating sex with violence.

now, over 10 years later, I talked to my mom about it and started a legal procedure. im so scared about this, because everyone seems to adore my father. (hes one of those charismatic abuser types) I feel as if it gets out that im trying to get him locked up for abusing me, everyone will turn on me. his side of the family, his friends. the worst part is his mother, my grandmother, was in on it , and will face consequences too.. I feel guilty about this because she was such a big part of my childhood, though not much of a positive one, and I feel guilty about what I'm doing, even if it is objectively the right thing

anyway, the thing is my father has been calling me non stop for the last few days, even using different numbers to try to get me to answer. OK obviously I don't want to talk to him but I was also ordered by the police officer hamdlimg my case that I shouldn't speak to him

I'm just so afraid,why is he suddenly obsessed whith me, and is he near me , and I'm just so scared. i tfeels like hes trying to not only violate me phisically , but mentally as well. I'm just so scared. I feel powerless against him, and I don't know what to do

sorry for the long rant, I just really needed to get this all off my chest