I thought today was gonna be the day. I was gonna lose my virginity to the man I love. We started out just fine. Kissing and a bit of touching and grabbing. I could tell my parties were getting a bit soaked. Well before I know it he’s eating me out. But without warning he sticks his finger in there and goes to town. It hurt and was uncomfortable but there were some spots he hit that didn’t hurt. I tried to pretend like it didn’t hurt but it did terribly. He tried two fingers but I said definitely not because that hurt very very badly. So he went back to one which still hurt and was uncomfortable. He eventually stopped and wanted me to give him a lil something. I was all for it and then suddenly began patching myself out. What if I’m not good enough? What if I hurt him? What if I have no idea what I’m doing? (Which I dont). So I stalled for a bit and he fingered me some more which hurt some more. But I eventually was able to not get so psyched and I got on my knees and gave him a bit of a hand job as well as just a tip top job. He liked it but wanted more but I was so fucking scared. Then we were ready to take it to the next and final lvl and I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and began crying. He immediately stopped and took the condom off and began to cuddle me, telling me it was okay. But all I could focus on was the fact that I just led him on and now I can’t do it because I’m patching myself out about the possible pain of this. He reassured me that it was okay, but sitting here alone in my bed while he sleeps in his has me super sad. (We are at my parents house and out of respect we won’t sleep in the same bed.) not only did I feel super sad but suddenly I started cramping as if I had something shoved up my vagina. So I went to bathroom and cleaned up a bit, I was honestly scared that I see blood just from his finger. But now I’m psyching myself out because my vagina won’t stop throbbing. Like it’s not my clit when I normally masturbate, it’s my actual vagina. It’s very uncomfortable and idk what to do. I’m just left feeling terrible rather than happy.

Sorry for the long, long post.

Update: we are trying again tonight!