I cautiously open Facebook waiting for the next announcement, the next picture, the next memory to bite me in the face. Here I sit scrolling through, unsuspecting, just a normal day... then there it is. A picture of someone else's baby. A picture of someone else's pregnant belly. A birth announcement. Everything I want right now, but can't seem to get. There it is, staring back at me... taunting my empty womb.

I drive to work and listen to the radio... A little escape from the babies that seem to surround me... until some lady calls in to the station and says she's 20 weeks tomorrow and counting her blessings... and I can't escape. Not even for 15 minutes.

At work, the boss is pregnant and I have to watch her belly grow, listen to her talk about their lives changing, scratch her expanding tummy... I have to watch her get everything I want as another month rolls by for me, cramps playing on the edge of my uterus, telling me that once again it won't be this month for us

It breaks my heart. As I walk through my day, each time I face something that I don't have yet, maybe never will, it breaks my heart a little more. I don't choose to feel this way. I pray for God to take the burden I'm carrying from me. I pray for him to ease the jealousy and envy I feel towards those who have what I want.

Some days it works. Some days I feel fine. I move through the day without anything bothering me. Other days I feel sad. Just a little. I tear up when I see a mom holding her newborn at the store, or the pregnant lady and the tv show I watch, or when I look at my boss's belly... and some days it slams into me hard. So hard it difficult to bear the pain. It overwhelms me and I break down. I wonder why God is putting us through this pain, why he hasn't deemed us worthy of a baby yet.

The emotions come like waves, and I'm just floating in the water, trying to keep my head up, to keep from being swallowed up by the sea. Sometimes I'm touching bottom, the water only about waist high... easy enough to deal with... some times it's up around my neck, I'm treading water trying to stay up... and sometimes it's like a hurricane, coming in and wrecking my whole world. Those days after that level hits and similar to a real hurricane, taking a while to recover from... A while until the water calms back down and settles around my waist again.