I know this happens to other people and other people how it worse then me. I am grateful for the things I have now just sometimes get caught up from what could be.

I wouldn’t say I had the hardest life like fighting for food or a place to stay. I have never had a family though. Grew up with a druggy dad who did what he had to get us by but never emotional to me. Never really taught me about life or showed me how to communicate with others because I stayed pretty much locked in my room all my life.

No mom. Very little family that lived in another state.

I never did a lot and didn’t think anything of it until in my 20s. I know! I thought everyone just stayed home and there was nothing to do because that’s what I always did.

This was before internet became a popular thing that didn’t happen until I was about 18-20

Anyways I got pregnant with my boyfriends baby when I was 17 and I loved him so much. I would do his laundry and let him borrow my car because he didn’t have one. Well when I told him I was pregnant he told me he didn’t want the baby. He wanted to wait and we would still be together if I got an abortion. I didn’t want to but at the same time I knew we were not ready and I let him talk my weak minded self into it..

We stayed together and I found out he was cheating on me less then half a year later(idk for how long) I would let him take my car to work and I found out she worked with him. After our prom night the next day was his mom’s wedding so we went. Well I got horrible sick and he took me to his house and took my car back to his mom’s wedding... aka to meet the girl he was cheating on me with while I was laying at his house in pain.

He finally came back and took me to the hospital after I called him 100 times and his brother showed up to find me on the floor in a ball.. I found out I had gallstones. At 18 years old.

Then right after that I found out I was pregnant again.. right after I found out he was cheating on me.

I never been more crushed he was the love of my life. So funny and sweet. I was an asshole and always have been so idk why he liked me but I knew why he cheated on me...

I couldn’t keep the baby the dr told me it was a big risk because of the surgery for the gallstone problem I had. Either the baby would die anyways or it could have killed me and the baby.. so the dr suggested.. another abortion..

I was crushed.. I thought it was a sign I was suppose to have a baby. I wasn’t going to be with him but I wasn’t going to do that again.. but everyone said you have to.. my weak minded self said well if everyone says..

I should have said no. I should have said it’s my baby I’ll take the risk but I didn’t...

My sister told me she was pissed I did it the first time. I was stupid.

Everyone says if I would have kept the first baby it would have been to late for the gallstones and it would have been a big chance of death but it doesn’t feel like that to me..

Fast forward to 9 years later my babies would be 9 and he married the girl he was cheating on me with and took her to travel the world. They live in Germany and never looked better.

I on the other hand am so depressed and my sister who was pissed at me has now passed away (32 from bone cancer last year) and I take care of my special needs sister.. who I love and glad she is here.

I don’t have a job because I gave up my job to take care of my sister with cancer before she passed..

I am married to a woman now who I love more then anything but she can’t give me kids until we save up thousands of dollars but how can we do that when we don’t even have a house and our in so much debt from me leaving my job and just trying to live before that.

I stupidly got kidney stones this year ( I dontknow how I don’t drink cokes but I do get dehydrated a lot) and no insurance so I fucked us even more..

I just feel low and worthless. Do I leave my special needs sister home alone to get a job or stay here with her and not help with bills. Yes she can stay alone but not for long periods of time.

What would have been if I had the baby and died.. it would have been bad but I would have had to deal with this shitty life.

What would have happened if I had the baby and lived.. I would have a purpose..

I’m sorry babies.. I hope your waiting for me in heaven because I can’t wait to hold you..

Anyways thanks for reading.