What does it mean?

My husband have been wanting to start for baby number 2 for quite some time now, but I always tell him I feel like I'm not ready yet when talking about it, but EVERY TIME my period is a little late I get hopeful and excited I'm pregnant (we do protect ourselves and my periods are just a bit irregular) I get super excited and kind of hope that I'm pregnant? I also spend a lot of time dreaming and thinking about it and it makes me happy. At the same time when thinking about actually having another baby, I feel like I couldn't do it. Like how could I handle them both at the same time in a fair way and how could I love someone as much as I love my first? I'm so confused. Obviously if I would end up pregnant we would deal with it and be happy, but for now we're doing our best to avoid it until I'm ready. This just makes me so confused.