So I was a prime candidate for PPD and we knew it. I spent 59 consecutive days in the hospital leading up to my planned C Section at 34+3. I lost one of our twins due to rare and deadly TRAP syndrome. One twin passes away early in pregnancy but continues to grow due to shared blood vessels in the placenta. My living was feeding her passed sister blood causing her to grow. There is a 50-90% mortality rate for the living baby due to cardiac failure from pumping for two babies. My daughter is one of few TRAP survivors who couldn’t have a cord ablation (my TRAP was discovered two weeks past the cutoff for the procedure). There were so many close calls, stress, and anxiety. I gave birth and we had a much sicker baby than we expected for a 34 weeker. I had to make burial plans for one while my other was literally fighting for every single breath. 28 hours after she was born her left lung collapsed. I didn’t get to hold her for the first time until she was a week old. I was ultra depressed because I wanted my baby home. My doctor gave me anti depressants but after 25 days my baby came home and I was elated!! I didn’t think I needed them because she was home! Yay!

Wrong. I had PPD and didn’t even realize it. The thought of doing anything more than the bare minimum to get through the day made me want to cry. Laundry didn’t get done. The apartment never got organized. I thought I was just being lazy. I got annoyed with my husband faster than I should have. I knew I wasn’t being the best wife and mommy I could be but I didn’t know why or how to fix it. I spent so little time on my myself. I was embarrassed of my myself. I would go days without washing my hair because I just didn’t have the energy. I hadn’t done my make up in months. What was wrong with me!!

I didn’t realize I had PPD, even though I knew what it was, until the veil lifted. I was generally happy. My husband made me happy my baby made me happy. But depression isn’t about being “happy” or “sad” is it? This week is the first week I have felt normal. It was just like this switch in my brain got flipped and I felt okay! 8 MONTHS LATER!! I got all the neglected laundry done in two days, cleaned the apartment, actively played with my daughter on the floor for hours just giggling with her, watched movies with her, and made dinner! I have felt AMAZING!! I’m sure losing weight has been apart of it too (thank you keto!) and I’ve been spending more time on self care. Feeling normal is the only thing that has made me realize how I had been feeling these first 8 months wasn’t normal! Or just mommy hood or whatever! It was PPD. Even knowing I would probably have it didn’t make it any easier to realize that I had it! I thought I was just the shittiest stay at home mom ever. I’m a good mommy. I’m a good wife. I’m a good person. But PPD made me feel like I wasn’t. It brought me down. Told me I was ugly. That I wasn’t worth spending time on myself. I’m happier right now at this very second being a mommy and wife than I have ever in my WHOLE life! This is the feeling I’ve been waiting for! I’m so elated and wanted to just share this experience with any other new mommy feeling this way. You are WORTH self care. You are a GOOD mommy! You are BEAUTIFUL!

Night before I had the twins!

(First time holding her 6 days PP)