Before I begin, I do have a 5 year old daughter.

After my daughter hit 4 months old, I decided to have a go at trying to get pregnant. The first year wasn't hard. I didn't expect much but I wanted to try anyway. The second year was a tad bit discouraging but I still had faith. The third year came and went and again very disappointed but yet again I still had faith. With in the 4th year... just as it was given... my hope was taken away... not once but twice.... coming into the start of my fifth year of trying... I had yet again another miscarriage. Even with all of that, I had hope because I have heard so many successful stories after their darkest days.

I just got on clomid last cycle and my af came yesterday....

I get to hear from people who are sympathetic that I am still young however being 35.... !!!BUT!!!I had a family member of my husband ask me how old I was. She thought I was 25.... When I said I was 35 she said to me "I thought you were 25, I was going to tell you that you are still young". Then she gave me the look of :yea that isn't going to happen:.... Then I get people asking me when am I going to try again. All of that doesn't help my feelings toward getting pregnant.

I feel like getting pregnant for me is like trying to win the lotto or getting hit with lightning.... You have shitty chance of winning but you won't know until you try... OR... You can only get hit with lightning once.

I know there are people who are having a hard time with having their first pregnancy and I feel blessed for my daughter... However it still doesn't ease the pain that I deal with. She isn't the root of my sadness.

I am always the first person to know that my body failed my family and I am the last person to forgive myself.