Am I fucked up?

My family has always had screaming matches. My "dad" went to prison. We visited him. When he was released he never came home. I got caught up with the fucked up people in my apartment complex. I watched a girl give her little brother a blow job. I tried cigarettes. I was 8. A 16 year boy tried to shive his dick in my ass. All the while I thought this was okay. My brother caught me and told my mom. I knew I was in trouble. I ran and she chased me grabbed by my hair and I was grounded. More screaming matches between my family. Years later my dad asked to come home. I was shocked. And so excited. Months of finally having my dad. He goes to the store with his toothbrush in his back pocket. More screaming. My brother both older tormented me. To the point my mother didn't intervene anymore. Sometimes laughed. By age 13 I was doing mild sexual acts with friends. Never caught. More torment. More screaming. Moved miles away from my home of 10 years. Thrown into a large city. Found some new friends and a boyfriend. Boyfriend talked to an old lover. Made me feel like garbage. Nobody knew how bad it was. I meant nothing. Moved 1000 miles away to satrt a new life with him. Nothing changed. He hated me but attempted to keep me around at the same time. He finally left. I moved back to this large city and got back into touch with the now love of my life. And yet. I can't forget about the past boyfriend. I hate him. Yet I have a curiosity. Not to cheat but just to make him feel like a piece of shit. I get so sad. I've thought about taking my life. Been close to doing it. But I can't. I just get through everyday. I have no motivation. I'm fat. I want to lose weight but don't have the energy. I want to have a child with my lover. Sometimes I wonder if it will ruin everything between us. But as soon as he's near me every worry melts away. My mother doesn't give a shit about me. But he makes me forget that. He makes me happy. He makes me feel beautiful. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my thoughts for a short while. But I just have to push through them. This was more of a vent than dear anonymous. I apologise.. I just needed to say it.