Dear, _____

The reason for this letter is our toxic relationship. For years I have struggled with self esteem issues and anxiety because of my body and figure. You, along with many others, have stolen my confidence. Difference between you and them is that I want you in my life. I've changed myself quite a bit in efforts of pleasing the world, yourself included.

When I was younger I wore a lot of colour but over the years I have worn darker, more plain clothing. To hide from the world I choose mainly black clothes. Dark and plain is how I liked it, it doesn't catch attention or draw eyes. Baggy and covered, show no shin, large tops and oversized hoodies make it hard to see the fat on my body. I am sick and tired of hiding.

When I find out you're coming to visit I cry, then I brave for impact, I begin to prepare myself for your nasty words. "You should eat healthier," "you should exercise more," "you should eat less," and the list only goes on. These comments are on a loop in my head, like a broken record, playing over and over again. I dread texting you, my heart stops and my brain malfunctions. I'm scared of you and your comments, I could barely look at my reflection in a mirror.

Grade eight into nine I stopped eating for upwards of seven months. I took your favourite comment, "you should eat less," to an extreme. I suffered from anorexia, I allowed myself water, ice and frozen peas if I was hungry before it was time to eat. My dinner was roughly half a plate of food and nothing more. Still when I feel I've done wrong I don't eat till I'm ready to forgive myself, it's become a form of self punishment. As it is I only eat about two meals a day, on a good day.. hard to break old habits I guess.

In grade nine I played basketball for at least an hour every night, as long as it wasn't raining or snowing. In grade ten I played sports with the guys once in awhile. I take stairs two at a time to improve flexibility and muscle. In the nicer weather I love a good walk or swim, never been the type to turn down an offer. I'm pretty active and I enjoy being outside, too bad you never saw that.

I'll be sixteen by the time you get to read this, with that said, I will no longer tolerate your hate filled words. I have kicked plenty of people out of my life without warning for the same reason. You got a warning and a chance to do better, don't waste it. I'd love to have you in my life, I know you could be good for me but as you are now you are toxic. I expect to see change by the time I'm seventeen and if I don't you will lose my love and respect. All I ask is that you think before you speak and if you can't do that then I can't be bothered to listen any longer. If you love me the way you say you do, you'll change rather then break my heart.

Sincerely, Ameilya P.

Writing this letter to my "dad".... I don't need support or anything I'm sick of this so I'm find doing it alone. I just wanted to know if you guys thought I should cut up the words (shouldn't => should not, etc.) I'm gonna hand write it and mail it to him. Btw, he lives in the next province so I figured mailing it was the safest way to go especially if I wanted it to mean something to him. That also explains the part when I mention when he visits. Any comments you'd like to add I'm happy to accept.

At the very least I hope this is inspirational for those who have struggled the way I have for so many years.

Thanks for any comment, advice and/or support. You're all amazing women and I wish you the absolute best in life.