I am 23 and still wear the scars of the toxic relationship I had with my parents growing up. It was very clear that I was the least liked of my 5 siblings. My dad hardly spoke to me. When he did it was typically negative. He told me no one would ever love me because of how I looked and because I was fat. I was 12 and I still hear his voice in the back of my mind. My mother has directly told me that she didnt want a daughter like me, made fun of me for trying to kill myself, and told my I deserved everything she and that happened.to me while I stood there and cried. There were so many other instances with them both that deeply scarred me. After my first and second suicide attempt my dad made drastic changes to the way he treated me. We are now at a place where I can convince myself he does love me, but I will never be able to convince myself that's always been true. My mother never changed. Unfortunately, I am currently living with her. My younger sister was still in high school when I moved back in. She's avout to go off to college now, and watching my parents give her all the love I never got, all the support in staring college, all the effort made with her relationship (I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years starting in high school. They knew the whole time and watched me fall apart and get yelled at constantly. Never once interjected. Whenever my sister and her boyfriend got in a fight they were all over it and involved. Which is why it hurts so bad), watching them be there for her is hard. I went through that all with my older sister (we are only 14 months apart) so feeling it all again kills me.

Somehow at 23 she still says and does thing that cut me to the bone. Many times I have broken down crying and told her how all I wanted was for her to love me. Which finally got her to admi that she purposefully ignored me while I was growing up.

In 3 weeks I will be moving to a new town. I'm tired of all this pain defining me. I want to let it go and not let it have control over me. I want to sit them both down and ask why I was purposefully neglected. I just dont onow how to go about it. I dont know how to shut this door and get closure. If you read this whole thing. thank you. Any advice or support is appreciated immensely.