I asked for a sign...

Today was rough. I spent most of it waiting for my 2nd hcg result from yesterday. Monday it was at 14. I had a miscarriage in March. I deal with diagnosed anxiety and depression, and even though I’m glad to say I’m not currently in a depressive period, my anxiety was sky-high.

Luckily, I had an appointment already scheduled with my therapist today. Early on, she knew this wasn’t going to be an ordinary session, so she offered to guide me through meditation. She asked me beforehand to look inward and ask myself what was driving my anxiety. I told her it was anger - anger because I didn’t know my results yet, anger because I didn’t feel it was fair that I am spotting again - just like I was before my miscarriage, and anger because things just weren’t happening in the magical way one THINKS it happens for other people. As I meditated, I found myself repeating the words, “I know you are there” silently to myself. I focused on my breathing and the placement of my hands on my belly. The low ringing of a bell brought me back to focusing on my breathing when my thoughts wandered. At one point, the word ‘anger’ came back, and I physically felt my body release the tension it was holding. I truly believe that I had let the anger go.

Before my meditation was over, I silently asked for a sign that this time things will work out for me and my husband. Of course, nothing happened in that moment, but when the meditation was over, I felt calm. I felt peace.

After my session ended, my renewed strength allowed me to call the doctor’s office instead of waiting any longer. The nurse told me my hcg was now 25 - not quite the doubled number they were looking for, but she reassured me it’s still early. I got off the phone and sobbed - I’m not sure why; I think I was just overcome with emotion. Relief that the number went up but still uncertainty because maybe it didn’t go up high enough. My dog heard my crying, jumped on my lap, and licked my face. He’s never really done that, but I didn’t think too much of it and gave him a big squeeze.

The weather was beautiful today, but the forecast called for rain this evening. We just had a calm shower pass through, the kind where the rain falls straight down, no wind at all, with the sun still shining through some clouds.

And that’s when it hit me - this could be my sign! I ran outside when the ran had stopped, and there it was - a rainbow from my rainbow! The picture is below.

Baby, if you can hear my thoughts or sense my love, just hold on. Continue to grow because your daddy and I love you so. We have prayed for you. You are loved and wanted. Thank you for my sign.