Being Pregnant... Sucks for Me
Being pregnant has been an inability to manage myself as a whole. I have struggled with being able to eat because I have had no appetite while pregnant. I can not control my depression which has been a struggle for as long as I can remember and one of the few medicines I have found to work is not approved for pregnancy. The same medicine that helps my depression helps my anxiety, which has been at all time high.
I have had two failed pregnancies prior to this, the first was a traumatizing ectopic and the second a miscarriage that was intensely painful both physically and emotionally.
My partner is midway through a divorce that was started before I came into the picture and his ex got me fired from a job. She puts me constantly on edge because I don’t trust her and she blames me for losing custody of their son who she rarely sees and has no active interest in.
I have stepped up and become a mom to a child who I may never be able to adopt even though I desperately want to because I love him so much.
Being pregnant has been awful trying to balance everything and trying to fix our finances, which certain decisions have made it just so much worse and harder to balance everything.
I am terrified of giving birth to you because if something goes wrong and I cannot have a natural birth my body may have a negative reaction. I am terrified of being unable to provide for you and your brother which is why I have stock piled diapers and wipes to make sure you will be ok. I am so terrified just of what is to come but I am so ready to hold my son.
I want to hold him so I can move forward and past these intense emotions that have made me be mean and unable to emotionally function. I want to be a whole mom, not half there and all I have been able to do is half. I have struggled to find a job since I got fired due to someone else’s choice because I am pregnant.
I just wanted to say these things somewhere because I cannot even begin to describe how scared I am. It is intimidating and I can’t say it to my partner because I feel brushed aside and I can’t cry because he always begs me to stop. What am I supposed to do with all of these insane emotions when they all come out like a champagne bottle that has been shaken.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent... the emotions just have gotten to me and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I want to keep moving forward it’s just hard when it is a struggle to do the basics.