I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We bought a house together this January. I have two young children from a previous marriage, and he has a little guy from a previous marriage.

Lately I’ve been noticing that his hostility toward my son has grown. Granted, my son has usually done something to warrant a reaction, like smacking him in the face when rough housing, laughing in his face when asked not to do something, etc. But what has been bothering me is how extreme his reactions have been: yanking my son by the arms, squeezing him and leaving red marks, tossing him hard when putting him in time out, and the more emotionally upsetting things like telling my son he’s a crybaby. Today my son wanted to play outside, and my boyfriend said in such a snide voice with a mean look in his face: “no, you don’t want to play outside, you want to go in the house and glue your face to the phone and play video games.” My son had been happy and content, enjoying the beautiful weather outside, saying he wants to stay outside, and in an instant he was reduced to tears looking at me pleadingly, saying that his stepdad is lying, he never said he wanted to go in the house...and a meltdown ensued. My boyfriend seems to create drama where none exists, upsetting the kids.

Recently we went camping, and I caught the tail end of my boyfriend roughly putting my son in time out, and my son crying. I asked what happened and he told me my son had punched him in the face. I said I agree that’s wrong, but there’s no need to manhandle him - he’s only four, and when his three year old hurts me during rough play I would never in a million years puts my hands on that sweet little boy in an aggressive way. My boyfriend decided to show me how much it hurt when my son slapped him, by slapping me in the face, harder than a little boy could slap anyone. I smacked him back and asked what the hell he was thinking, how could he just hit me like that??? He apologized and said he just wanted to prove a point, and swore he would never do it again.

Well, tonight at bedtime, after a long day of mediating between him and my son, I witness him carrying my son by the ankles and back of the neck, squeezing hard, and he put him in time out. My son was crying. I asked what happened and he told me that my son had slapped him when his own son was climbing all over him and wrestling at bedtime. Apparently my four year old thought it would be funny to join in, and slapped my boyfriend in the face.

My son told me that his stepdad hurt him. I looked him over while he was in timeout, and his neck looked a bit red. I told him that I would take care of it. Layed him down in bed and snuggles him to sleep.

I went downstairs and googled stepparent relationships, emotional child abuse, anything that could give me insight. My boyfriend came downstairs and looked at what I was reading, and told me that my son was out of controls and had hit him when he he was enjoying wrestling with his son. (I say my son/his son just for clarification, when in actuality we raise our kids together as siblings and to me they are all my babies).

He told me to turn around in my chair and he described what happened, and without any warning slapped me as hard as he could across my ear and cheek. My ear rang and he left finger marks on my cheek. I was shocked and jumped up and slapped him back and ran away. I asked how he could hit me like that, he said just seeing me looking up child abuse on the computer made him want to slap me.

I checked on the kids who were then fast asleep, and cooled off. He checked on his little guy who was still awake, and then came down and said we need to figure out how to discipline my son. I told him that was the second time he’s hit me - the first was a “demonstration” of how hard he thought my son had slapped him, but I reminded him he realized how wrong that was and had already promised never to do that again. Now he says that this time was the same thing - just a demonstration. But it was full force, and in my opinion out of anger (which he swears was “just dispassionate”) and he had even said right after that me googling abuse made him want to slap me.

Now he’s trying to convince me to sit with him and google discipline, and the effects of a mother comforting her child after they’ve been disciplined. He keeps turning the conversation into how I am parenting wrong, and how we can fix it together. He does not seem to see that slapping me is an issue at all.

I’m currently hiding in the bathroom typing this because he always looks over my phone or computer.

Other than this, he’s a loving and affectionate partner, and it has been a struggle bringing our families together, coupled with so many huge life events at this time.

What do I do? Is this something that family counselling and anger management can help? I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this, which is why I’m posting here. Please try to be empathetic.

UPDATE

His son is here this weekend, until Monday. I feel I have a responsibility for his son as well, so I am trying to keep the peace and keep everything “normal” until I can get away on Monday and seek help.

I am worried for so many reasons. If I have him removed from the home where will his son sleep? What stability will his son have? Also, the house is in both our names. But he hasn’t contributed anything toward down payment, and has only contributed to the mortgage for a few months out of the six we’ve owned the home. I pay all of the household bills. From everything I read, it says it doesn’t matter who contributed what - if we split up he gets half the house. Which means I have to uproot my children again, and lose the $100,000 that I invested. I also work from home, so if I leave I cannot earn any money. He works from home too, so I can’t prevent him from earning money. He has nothing in savings, so no way to pay first and last, or rental on commercial property for his business. It is such a twisted mess.

Second update:

I didn’t mention the house because I was saying I’d rather stay in the situation than lose everything financially. I said it because I am planning on leaving - knowing that I will lose everything I’ve worked for my whole life. My children are more important than a house, or money. I included that information to see if anyone has any advise: is there a way I can leave this man and still keep the home that I paid for all by myself? And avoid uprooting my children?

Someone’s advice here helped me greatly: mentioning the cycle of abuse. Now I can see that that is happening. Everything is good for a while, and he is always so sweet and affectionate tionate, but then stress builds and he lashes out at me. Usually it is to put me down, yelling and accusing. The most recent was when we came back from camping and he yelled at me in the car, saying how disgusting I looked in my bathing suit. That my bum skin hung under it and looked so saggy, and screamed at me that all he wants is a hot fucking girlfriend - that’s all he wants! He was terrified that if my bum looks droopy now, how will I look 60 years from now? He lost it because I brought marshmallows for the kids to roast. He’s extremely controlling about our food choices. Even though I spend ridiculous amounts of money on all organic food to appease him, and do not buy junk for our kids, all meals are home cooked...he flips out if I give them the occasional treat. Yet he eats McDonald’s himself, and takes his son to the bakery down the street all the time for cookies. Nothing I do is good enough. He asked me to bake a banana cream pie and I looked at him...”are u sure..?” Knowing his extreme health “values.” So I made one with an almond crust, and made a normal banana cream filling. He let his son eat 1/2 a pie in one sitting, and I asked why he would do that, I was worried about all the sugar. He lost it and said “there’s sugar in this??!” He ranted and screamed at me, dumped sugar on the ground, and then threw the bag of sugar, all of this happened in front of his son. Then he told his son that I poisoned him and tried to force him to drink water.

I’m finally able to recognize this cycle of build up, abuse, and “honeymoon” stage. I kept thinking it was my fault, I just needed to do better, and work out more, and try to meet his needs (btw I am 5’7” and 125lbs).

Sorry to run on and on, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and want to make sure that I am not overreacting and not crazy.

I was abused as a child, and left my ex husband due to abuse, but it’s manifested differently in each of those relationships, so it’s difficult to see until after the fact. This man has so many redeeming qualities, he is so remorseful after any situation, and so I can’t help but feel compassionate and try to understand where he’s coming from.

But when it comes to my kids, that’s where I draw the line. There’s too much risk to wait and see if he’ll change, no matter what he promises. He’s devastated and researching things right now, how to be a better parent, stepfather, spouse, re-reading his anger management course, and suggesting counselling. But it’s too late, right?