so my dad had sexually abused me from the age 9-13, and i still have flashbacks and a ton of other issues. he’s not in my life anymore and i’m now 15. i finally ended up telling my story to a group of people that i trust a lot, and it took so much for me to tell it.

the thing is that my boyfriend doesn’t completely understand it all. i’ve never told him my story, all he knows is that my dad sexually abused me. my boyfriend and i have talked about sex a lot, & have done it 4 times. but every time after we’re done, i have a huge panic attack, and they keep getting worse every time we have sex. so bad that anytime he tries to talk sexually to me or just touches me in a sexual way i freak out and push him away. i don’t know why i’m doing this though. i’m wanting him and i do want the sex, but it just all freaks me out and i have no idea what to do about it. like i said my boyfriend doesn’t understand it, so he just says “try to forget about it, he’s not gonna hurt you anymore” or “i’m not him”.

i guess the advice i’m looking for is if anyone has any ideas on how i can move on and continue having sex with out freaking out. because even the thought of having sex i feel like i can’t breathe or i’m going to cry.

(also please don’t bash me about being 15 & having sex. if you don’t think of it in a good way just move along. i don’t need you to tell me i need to be careful or that i shouldn’t be doing it. i am perfectly capable of protecting myself from pregnancy & am on birth control.)