I discovered that strong is beautiful❤️

I always struggled with low self esteem from the time I was 11 years old. Anxiety has been my constant companion, I was still in elementary school when I first started having panic attacks and having to go to the ER. I believed that I constantly made mistakes and disappointed others to the extent that I was unlovable. I felt weak, worthless, and ugly. At 13 years old and 5'2, I weighed 160lbs. At that age and height, it put me in the seriously overweight category. I was surrounded by pretty, skinny friends. But at the same time, I honestly felt like I had no friends. I was unlovable, remember? I hated myself so much, that I can't even find a good "before" picture to show y'all. Why? Because I wiped all those pictures from the face of the earth. Years of memories of my life erased, because I couldn't stand to look at myself. This was the best I could find, hiding my tummy behind a blanket, at about 140lbs. Eventually, I developed anorexia. Many days of waking up and forcing myself to run for 3 hours, until my knees hurt and I had to stop. Surviving on a diet of 200 calories a day, 600 if I decided to "treat myself," only to feel guilty later. As a young teenager, I lost 65 pounds doing that. Guess what I also lost? My period. A healthy digestive system. My metabolism shut down. My hair and skin dulled. And guess what else? I STILL hated the pictures and believed I was hideous. I avoided cameras like the plague and deleted all pictures I could of myself. Believing I was stupid and worthless, I developed depression as well as thoughts of suicide.

FAST FORWARD to 8 years later... I am HAPPY!!! Instead of dieting myself to death, I started picking up the big boy weights at the gym and fueling my body on a healthy 1,500 calories a day! I lost fat and put on muscle, now a healthy 120-125lbs. I went from barely being able to lift 50lbs off the ground to deadlifting sets of over 200lbs. I eat clean, not to lose weight, but because I LOVE MY BODY and it is a GIFT!! It has always been a gift and deserving of so much love, and I refused it. My body is the reason I can walk, the reason I can hug my family and friends, the reason I can love and appreciate them, the reason I can laugh, and the means by which I can smell and taste delicious food😋. It is strong and worth loving! There are so many bigger things in life than our weight. I wasted so many years being distracted and not appreciating those things. Gaining a healthier body has been a big help, but gaining a healthier mind has changed my life😌🙌🏼

Anxiety is still a very real deal for me, no magic pill for it (yet😂). But I have the most amazing loving parents, and for nearly two years I have had a loving supportive husband. Now, I look at candid photos and think: "Look at that happy girl!!" Ladies, you are all so beautiful. Appreciate the big things. Don't sweat the small stuff.😰🙅🏻‍♀️😊

(I know this is a lot, but I had to get it all out in words for the first time😂)