When I found out I was pregnant, i was on auto pilot and just doing what I thought needed to be done straight away. I stopped smoking that day and the next (Saturday) I bought pre natal vitamins. My mil (living with her even now 😩) knocked on the door and my partner said to come in without even thinking am I do something that I don’t want her in for. So she comes in when I was reading the info stuff inside the box and instantly starts on that I’m pregnant and I felt that she basically decided there and then that I was having a baby. My partner and I hadn’t even spoken about what we wanted to do, I got sacked a couple of weeks later (she bought baby bottles with a colleague of mine(also knew I planned to breastfeed)) and I’m 90% certain they found out I was pregnant. She started buying stuff all the time but my mental health dipped severely. I was having a baby with my Bf who is an apprentice and I was on the higher wage but I had just got sacked. We couldn’t and tbh, still can’t afford to have a baby and I honestly wanted an abortion but I didn’t feel like that was a choice for me because of his mum. I felt angry that she was wasting money buying stuff for a baby that I didn’t want and especially considering she didn’t ask first if we wanted any of this stuff. It’s ungrateful, I know but didn’t feel I could have an abortion and then spend my time job hunting staring at baby stuff that won’t be used. I know have my little boy and as my pregnancy went on, things got better and he’s so beautiful. I love him so much and I feel so much guilt ever single day because I didn’t want him for such a long time and I can’t help but feel he is going to have the crappiest start just because I didn’t love him like I should have when I was pregnant and it makes me hate myself. Especially considering how much he loves me from the get go. He’s nearly always smiling and just loves me so much more ham I deserve. There are times when I just can’t look at him and he gets left to do his own stuff for a while because I’m too busy crying to be a mum. I hate what I have done to myself and I hate what I am doing to my boy but I still feel so angry that I didn’t get a choice. I’ve been forced into a position I didn’t want for myself and I still don’t want to be doing this but it’s too late now. I will spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and resentful and I can’t help but feel it’s her fault. I know really Im probably overreacting about mil but I honestly hate her for this.

Have a picture of my beautiful little boy that makes me hate myself so very much.