So I miscarried at the end of April this year at 7 weeks pregnant. To say that it devastated me is an understatement but I accepted it for what it was and have thrown myself back into TTC.

Currently in my 3rd cycle post miscarriage, and I have finally admitted to myself that I’m not coping as well as I thought.

I’ve had comments saying that I haven’t appeared myself for months now.

I find if I sit or lay down when it’s quiet, I get overwhelmed with an unbelievably heavy sadness that I can’t physically move.

Each day is becoming an effort. I show up, go through the motions, but I’m not really there.

Last week was my 30th birthday, and I got my period a day late- on my actual birthday. Crushing my hopes because I’m never late, my luteal phase is 13 days and I pinpoint ovulation with OPKs and BBT. So this was just a cruel jab from the universe...

I haven’t confided in hubby because he’s mentioned that one of the reasons he loves me is for my inner strength- so Ive felt obliged to be strong and hide how much I’m struggling.

Well... last night I decided to tell him.

We were laying in bed spooning and with a deep breath, and a wobbly voice I mentioned how I had been looking at us having a weekend away just to reconnect and rejuvenate my soul, because I’ve been feeling very down lately.

He asked why, and I started to say “because of the baby” when he cut me off, laughed, and joked that deciding to have a baby was actually the worst thing.

I was (and am) stunned. His timing sucked and was so insensitive. He knew he fucked up because he instantly held me closer/tighter, kissed my shoulder and whispered that he loved me.

Mate, I’m a cancerian, so I’m known for being overly sensitive in general- but even more so when I am trying to tell you how depressed I am about losing OUR baby. Get fucked.

I feel even more distant and saddened now, I know that everything will be better once we are pregnant again but I’m starting to get concerned that my current depression is going to hinder that- therefore starting a vicious cycle. And I clearly don’t have the support of my husband at the moment!

I’m going to leave it for a day and then attempt to revisit this conversation, and make it clear to him how much he hurt me with his stupid comment.

Meanwhile, I’m getting my hair done, and having a massage later to hopefully boost my spirit! ⛈🌧☁️🌥⛅️🌤☀️