TRIGGER WARNING - Was I abused in my previous relationship?

I just don't know if it was my fault he was like this or if it was abuse...

I was not to expect him to uphold our date night plans. If I were to expect it, it was my fault when he canceled or changed things last minute (or more often, several hours late).

He never admitted to being wrong or sorry about anything. He always said it wasn't his fault, or at the very most he would say it wasn't -completely- his fault.

Very mixed signals. He told me he wanted an open relationship, and I would never be enough to make him happy. Desperate for his affection for whatever reason, I decided to go along with it although I was uncomfortable. He gave me one option for our other partner. A specific girl I knew he had feelings for a long time. I said no, out of jealousy and knowing that he just wanted an excuse to cheat on me. I told him I didn't want an open relationship and I was too uncomfortable with it, and he proceeded to scream at me. He called me crazy, stupid, retarded, a baby, and everything else under the sun.

When prom came around, I asked if he wanted to go with me, to which he said fuck no. He said prom was stupid and superficial. I was fine (ish) with that, so I went alone. A guy asked me to dance to 1 song, and I agreed. We stood a foot apart the entire time and only our hands touched, and I immediately told my (ex)boyfriend about the dance and who it was with. He got so angry, he made me leave prom and screamed at me about how much of a whore I was and that I had cheated on him by touching that guys hands.

I was so angry, I shouted "how am I the cheater when you asked to have sex with someone else?" and he began to cry and said it was different and that the threesome thing was for me to have fun because he was insecure.he was the only person I had sex with and said he was afraid if get bored of him.

I felt bad and stayed. The week after, he raped me. I think. I forgot the safe word, and he gagged me, and held me down against the bed where I couldn't speak. I could only scream and cry. he didn't stop because to him the screaming and fighting was sexy. he said I should have made more of an effort to say the safe word and he would have known.

so i stayed for 2 more months after that. he made it a daily effort to tell me how stupid and crazy i was. raise his hand as if to hit me. call me all sorts of names. he got to the point of crying and punching himself in the face during arguments.

My best friend rescued me. he would drive out to the school playground by my house and talk to me for hours. we smoked together. talked it all out. and I cheated, and I dumped my abuser. That was a long time ago and my best friend and I are engaged now.

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