After the NICU experience, my husband wasn’t ready for another child. I told him I wanted to start trying early, since my struggles with PCOS dampen the odds. It took us three years with my son.

He encouraged me to follow Whole30 again and I also took potent multivitamins, since I was nursing. The idea was to try in a year or two and the better my health, the better the odds. I noticed that, as opposed to having EWCM every other day I was having it for one week, with 30-34 day cycles. Mind, I have only had 3 cycles since I only nurse at night (it has been almost two years).

Two weeks ago, I told my husband that we needed to put the breaks on; it was the fertile window and I was supposed to ovulate in a couple days. He did not listen. I swear, it was like the marshmallow test: You can have two marshmallows later if you don’t eat this one now. He couldn’t help himself.

But of course, there is no way I was pregnant. I have PCOS. The odds are against me. Admittedly, I did feel a little baby fever; my only child is now a toddler. He passed his infancy in isolation from the outside world due to his prematurity and now he just wants to explore. My son is cuddly and compassionate; he is a beautiful and funny child. I wanted to give him a sibling, someday. And I did not want the age gap to be huge.

A week ago I had a crazy vivid nightmare. We all know pregnancy nightmares are the worst. But as there was no way I would be - could be pregnant, I chalked it up to spicy arugula and a dose of melatonin. Nursing my boy felt like having my nipples in a vice. I started to feel like I had a cold. The night before last, I experienced sudden nausea. My husband asked, “Are you sure you are not-?”

“No. No way. Not this early. It was 6 weeks with Gabe. Just hormones. And I am tired, too - I have t slept in three days.”

He looked at me skeptically and I countered, “I will even take a test tomorrow morning to prove I am not.” Two months ago I thought I might be. I bought tests. My husband said he was not ready and that next time I should know before I tell him. It is very difficult, and unlike me, he has not had the same intense processes that help heal from the trauma of childbirth - especially prematurity - like nursing, counseling, and the other physiological changes that make women want to continue to bear children.

Yesterday morning I took the test. I watched the boxes fill up with urine and the solid line to the left appeared. Half disappointed, I sighed. Not pregnant.

But wait? Is that a faint line? The line changes from very faint to faint. My son teeters into the bathroom. “Morning Gabe. You are going to be a big brother.”

I told my husband who responded sleepily with “Great.” And then I said, “I mean it. Not in the future. He is a big brother now.”

I am so shocked. While I still wrestle with the symptoms of PCOS, I did not think I could possibly get pregnant so easily.