LONG POST...

I just want to pull my hair out right now in a mix of frustration and embarrassment.

I was always fit growing up but was diagnosed with PCOS in my late teens. Around this time I moved out of my parents house and in with my boyfriend's family, because you know, stupid teenage decisions. His family was vastly different than mine and never cooked or ate decent food. Guilt, relationship anxiety, comfort eating all added up and within 3 years I had packed on 50+ lbs.

I have carried that weight and added another 40lbs to that over the last 10 years. Of course I hate it, of course I want to change. I've tried and failed to change my eating habits, I've joined gyms and failed to consistently work out. I've just lacked total drive.

I've been with my husband for 7 years and he is amazing. I feel loved for who I am and I feel no pressure to change. When I voice my disdain he reassures me that he didn't marry me for who I was or who I could be but rather because of who I am. While this makes me feel super blessed I still am personally unhappy with myself.

In addition to the weight issues, we have been unsuccessful in having a baby. My PCOS is actually under fairly good control excess hair is my biggest issue. However my husband had a vasectomy reversal that was grossly unsuccessful and without medical intervention pregnancy with be hard.

I am lucky and have a great job where I photograph newborns in the hospital and I love this. However I've been mortified when twice in the last few weeks new parents have asked me when I'm due. One dad said oh wow I thought you were ready to pop. I am mortified. I want nothing more than a baby... not just to look like I'm ready to have one. How do I stay strong and motivated? How do I change 30 years of bad habits and become the woman I want to be? I am sad and defeated.