My boyfriend and I are celebrating our two year anniversary on the 15 of this month. We’re going skydiving to celebrate.

But these last few weeks just haven’t been feeling the same. I asked him if we’d ever get married (something I ask him quite often and he always has a different answer). But this time his answer has been the same for about two weeks. No. Never. He doesn’t want to be married. And yes, I made it known this is something I wanted in the beginning. Yes he knew. Yes he said at the time maybe sometime in the future.

And I’ve been struggling these last two weeks. Asking him if he’s sure and he says he is. And I just want to make sure before I make any other final decisions.

And yesterday I brought it up again and he kindly told me that I don’t have to settle for him. And to be honest, it broke my heart, but it’s like he finally was listening to what I had to say. So we went about our day. It was a nice day. Nothing out of the ordinary for us. Except for the lingering thought that I’m settling and will never truly be happy with him if I can’t have a serious conversation about this with him. So I’m slowly stewing in these emotions and it just becomes too much and I tell him last night that we need to have a serious talk.

Immediately he stiffens up and his eyes start to water and he knows what’s coming and he doesn’t want to do it. He suggests we go do something, but I tell him it’s important and we need to have a conversation about our future.

And it’s a scary talk. We both cry. We both tell each other how we feel. We love each other, we really do. We’re best friends and have been for 11 years. We make each other happy. But he feels like he’s settled a couple of times in our two years. He’s imagined us breaking up in the past after a couple fights and felt it wouldn’t be that bad. And that even though we tell each other all the time we will be together forever, he said that he doesn’t want to get married because he’s afraid that won’t be the case. And I’m the one who brought this conversation up, but it didn’t keep my heart from breaking.

It took so much for me not to cry. I wanted him to keep talking. To be as honest as he could be without feeling pressured by my tears to keep quiet. I listened to him and he listened to me. Tears escaped from both of us from time to time. And there were a lot of “so what does this mean?” and “so what do you want to do?” Followed by a lot of “I don’t know.” And feeling lost.

Eventually I did break down and cry. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I’d ruined our two year anniversary. We wouldn’t take out sky diving trip. We won’t go to Missouri together in a couple weeks to visit his nephew for his birthday. I wouldn’t have him anymore. Surely he was thinking about breaking up with me and I was giving him the clean slate to do so. The goal of my talk wasn’t exactly to break up, but to talk out on what we needed to do. If breaking up was the answer, it was the last answer I wanted but knew it would need to happen. I told him I didn’t want to settle for someone who didn’t want to marry me, and he told me he doesn’t want to settle by getting married when he doesn’t want to. We both love each other too much to see the other be miserable just to make the other happy. We hugged and he told me he needs some time to think about what our next step is.

And so the rest of the evening went pretty much as planned. But he was talking to me more. He said he felt much better. He got so many things off his chest and he was apologizing for not speaking with me sooner because he knows I’m honest and look for honesty from him and want more than anything for clear communication between the two of us. And then he was talking about seeing if he can get on some anxiety medication. He claims that the idea of marriage is what makes his anxiety sky rocket and that’s why he doesn’t want to do it. It scares him. I don’t have an anxiety that prevents me from moving on with him so I don’t understand that. But I do understand my anxiety of losing him. But he brought up the idea of medication on his own. He said he’ll put some real serious thought into what we said. And he just seemed so much more relieved to be around me.

And I’m happy we talked. I really am. I got so much off my chest. But another part of me is so terrified. This man has been a part of my life for 11 years, and two of those years have been very intimate. He is what I like to call the love of my life. And before last night he said the same to me. But I told him what happens next is up to him because in all honesty he is the one with the most to lose. We live in my parent’s house while they move around country for work. He uses my dad’s truck because his car broke down completely about a year ago. He’d have nowhere to go and no way of getting to work. And that’s why I feared he was settling with me for so long. And he fears he may have done the same thing.

So now I wait on his answer. We still told each other we love each other. We still slept together. We held one another. He kissed me several times this morning and told me he loved me and to have a good day. And he even asked if we wanted to have a movie date next weekend.

But I’ve opened the door for him to leave if he chooses to and I’m legitimately terrified he will choose to even though that could potentially be the best for us.

But let me be clear about one thing. If I didn’t have friends and family and other loved ones who wanted to be a part of our marriage and be there for us, I think I would be content with just him and I for the rest of our lives. There is a lot of outside pressure from people who love and help support us to get married. And without their support, I don’t know where we’d be currently. Sure I think it’d be nice to have the day to ourselves, but I’m far more happy to have him for the rest of my life. So I’m really confused and anxious and scared after our talk. I’m waiting for the day where he says that he thought about it and it’s best we go out separate ways now. I’m so scared to lose him that I regret our talk while at the same time appreciate that we did. Does that make sense?

I love him. I really really do. And I’m afraid/confused because I don’t know if I’m convincing myself I can “settle” just because I want to be with him, or if I’m making a mistake and I don’t really need those things in my life to truly be happy with him.

Does anyone have any kind words? Advice? Things to share to put my mind at ease. I’m at work today and this is all I can think of and I literally find it very hard to breathe. So any nice things, posts, good vibes, and love would be greatly appreciated! And thank you for listening to me freak out and thank you to anyone who tries to help!