Ok so me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year and a half. We love each other very much and he is very good to me in every other area of our lives. But there is a pretty big issue here and I don’t know how to deal with how I’m feeling. Recently, some truths have been uncovered that have been a little more than painful. Let me start at the beginning.

So to start, whenever we would be sitting together and he was on his Instagram and I would see his phone I would often see nudes of Instagram models. This made me really uncomfortable so we talked about it and he agreed to unfollow them, apologized and claimed to understand why it hurt me. I ended up having to ask him about it a second time because I saw he was still following an account that I specifically mentioned. He apologized and told me he forgot and unfollowed her in front of me.

Now we are at a festival and he seems really squirmish and off the whole time. Won’t spend any alone time with me and is barely looking me in the eyes. He just tells me he is tired and it’s nothing. I was really disappointed with the week because I was looking forward to spending it with him and didn’t get any alone time.

Fast forward to after the festival and I’m looking at the girls Instagram account because I’m stupid and couldn’t stop thinking about what he thinks of her and noticed he had followed her again. I confronted him about it and it turns out that the reason he had been acting so strange all week was because he followed her and masterbated to her photos. This completely crushed me and I was ready to walk out and that’s when he told me he is struggling with a porn addiction.

I understand addiction is a disease and he had been using this long before me. But his problem has lead to him lying to me, changed outlet sex life and he stopped sleeping with me as often (and we had a VERY active sex life so sex one time a week is extremely strange). I don’t know what to do. We signed up for couples counselling. He deleted everything he used for porn. I can’t help but feel disappointed with myself and like I am the problem. I feel so insecure and unattractive. I feel like I want to look in his phone all the time and this is NOT who I am even a little bit. This is changing me and I don’t know how not to let it.

I love him with all of my heart and I promise he does treat me extremely well. I want to help him through this. But I need help through this too. I feel so low about myself I can’t get that girls face out of my head. I’m throwing up because of anxiety due to the situation and it’s effecting me more than I thought it would. I’ve lost 16 pounds since I found out two weeks ago. I don’t know how to feel better.