I hate myself.

I have depression & it really sucks. I have went for therapy but stopped because my mother didn’t like that I would’ve maybe took pills for it. I’m 19 btw, I just feel like crap. All day every day & it gets harder everyday to go on. I’m so mentally tired of everything. Either I feel nothing at all & im sad that I can’t feel something or I feel everything & I’m so sad that I feel so much.