Wanting to give up.

I’ve had anxiety disorder and depression for my whole life basically. I had panic attacks starting in 1st grade. Legitimate panic attacks where I went to the nurse claiming I was dying and sobbing uncontrollably and throwing up. I’ve also been diagnosed with some agoraphobia, emetephobia, and social anxieties. I also have depersonalization syndrome. I feel like I’m dead inside, like I don’t even remember who I am. My whole life has revolves around trying antidepressants and being very sick from them and trying birth control and being very sick from that too for 4 months now. I just don’t want to try anymore. I have been given a new med but not taken it yet because I’m scared. I am exhausted with life amd I just don’t want to try anymore I just want to disappear. And be left alone. My therapist also refuses to treat me if I don’t try a new med. I am alone and scared.