Just need a moment

In the beginning I would get so excited every month and take a pregnancy test, this will be the month - I know it! Then it was only the months that I was a day or two late. Maybe I’m jinxing it? Maybe I’ll stop taking tests and getting my hope up. Then we went to the Dr. and hope rises again, surely it will happen now. Again the hope fades. With each new thing we try, I try not to to get too excited, to not let the disappointment crush me when it doesn’t work. I settle into a pattern of finally not getting a glimmer of hope at the end of each cycle. To not bat an eyelash when I am one day, two days, four days late. Don’t worry your period will come. Don’t over think every little symptom that could be a tell tale sign of pregnancy. Stop calculating what the due date would be if you got pregnant this month.

For some reason after months of not wishing and hoping, this month I did. And like the months before it, it’s ending in tears. Why not me? Why isn’t this working? I just need a little support today from people that understand what I am going through. That understand when that spot of red crushes your dreams.