I feel horrible complaining because I had a chemical in October and then miscarried in December and in March. I am beyond thrilled and excited and happy that I am now 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow! So far everything looks good and it still doesn’t feel real at times and there really are no words for the happiness I feel.

So originally I wanted a home birth but because of the miscarriages and also NJ insurances don’t cover midwives who do home births so my husband and I decided it would be best to go a more traditional route. Part of my reason for wanting a home birth is due to the fact I have a severe phobia of needles/blood work/etc and wanted the path of least interventions because I know that’s what will be best for me and baby. If I’m having panic attacks how can that be good for baby? Also, please no advice or tell me to get over it.. I still see a therapist (not for any particular issue I just think taking care of ones mental health is important) but I have also done immersion therapy, exposure therapy, hypnotherapy, applied kinesiology, and medication. To be fair because of these therapies i can now openly discuss my phobia with friends, family, and medical care providers which is an amazing improvement I never thought would be possible. However, once I’m there and have to get something done, it is a complete shit show. I make 3 year olds who have their temper tantrums look like a case of the sniffles.

Anyway we decided to go the more traditional route and my heart is breaking and my anxiety is already going through the roof.

I had a little list of things I’d still hoped for during the birth such as giving birth in a tub or not being hooked up to anything. Mostly not being hooked up to anything was my biggest concern. Obviously if it was 100% medically necessary I would do it but I didn’t want to be hooked up ‘just in case’

But the new obgyn/midwife practice have their rules which hooks me up to an iv and no tub births and just everything I hoped was just taken away.

And yes hardly any plan goes, well, as planned.. and maybe I wouldn’t care as much except

One of the other things my husband and I was really looking forward to was getting to tell our friends and family about the baby. We were waiting to tell majority of people until we knew for sure everything was ok and knew the gender.

I of course told my mother and my close friends and my mother took it upon herself to tell my entire family even though we discussed how we were not telling anyone ☹️

And then through crazy insane never could have imagined circumstances, my in laws found out so we lost out on getting to tell majority of our loved ones which totally sucked.. and yeah that and then already losing out on even the hope of having the kind of birth I wanted..

just feeling kind of dejected.. but of course so happy! But also slightly dead inside.. but also beyond ecstatic!.. and also like ‘meh’.. but then also ‘OMG IM HAVING A BABY!!!’

It’s mostly the good stuff but the not so good stuff still comes up..

Anyone else? If you finished to the end, thank you for your time. ❤️❤️

Here’s my amazing little rainbow nugget 😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️😭❤️❤️