Terrified.

I desperately want to try again. We didn’t want to even actually “try” by like finding ovulation and doing all that stuff and instead wanting to leave it up to god and chance.... but after 2 miscarriages my doctor thinks I should take progesterone after ovulation to support a pregnancy until the placenta attaches. That makes me feel like we’re going to solidly be trying since I’ll need to be sure about ovulation and make sure that I can have progesterone to support a pregnancy if one were to happen (I’ve gotten pregnant once by accident and once the second month off BC while not specifically trying).... but I don’t know if my husband is ready. This last pregnancy would have been perfect timing for our lives, and I think he sees it as a sign that we’re not ready. Thing is, this might be because of my lupus and so then how could it be a sign if it’s literally just a health issue that needed to be remedied? I’m so scared of getting pregnant and losing another baby, but I desperately also want our family and maybe it sounds cold, but what if I have multiple miscarriages before we have a successful live birth? I don’t want it to be put off for years and years. But I am also terrified because I don’t want anymore losses. I don’t know what I did to deserve to have lost not just one, but 2 babies.